Healthier Alternatives to Veto Power in Non-Monogamy

Veto power may offer the illusion of security, but this quick-fix solution often exacerbates the issues of insecurities and fear it seeks to quell.

What is Veto Power?

Veto power in the context of hierarchical non-monogamous dynamics refers to the authority granted to one partner to unilaterally terminate or block certain actions or relationships pursued by their partner(s) outside of the primary relationship. This rule typically allows the vetoing partner to end extramarital or extrapartnership relationships, interactions, or agreements that they perceive as too threatening or uncomfortable to the primary relationship. It grants one partner the power to override the autonomy and agency of their partner(s) in specific relational matters—essentially, the nuclear option in the possibilities of non-monogamous agreements.

Example of Veto Power in Action

In the diagram above, Joe and Julia identify as primary partners—let’s say they’ve been married monogamously for 6 years and in the last two years they’ve decided to open their relationship and begin seeing other people. Julia has been dating Mike for 7 months, and she considers him a secondary partner (meaning she tends to prioritize Joe’s needs and her relationship with him). When they opened their marriage, Joe and Julia decided to put a veto rule in place, which means that if either of them get too close or too involved with another person they’re dating, the other one can require that they end things with the secondary partner. After watching his wife develop increasing emotional intimacy with this other man, Joe decides he is not comfortable with the amount of closeness in their relationship, and tells Julia that she can no longer see Mike. Per their agreement, Julia has to comply with Joe’s request to protect her “primary partnership,” even though Mike has become an important person in her life, and she wants to continue seeing him.

Some of the Larger Problems This Rule May Unintentionally Create

Here are some of the many possible negative, unexpected repercussions and patterns that Joe vetoing Julia’s relationship with Mike may create for all three of them:

Mike’s Experience as the Vetoed, Secondary Partner:
He gets dropped by Julia (often with little to no warning, communication or after care), and is left questioning if Julia ever really cared about him or if his needs really matter at all. This may be very traumatizing and damaging to Mike’s attachment system and internal sense of self worth. Unfortunately, getting the rug pulled out from under him in this way may contribute to his own feelings of insecurity in future relationships and he may assume other people he grows close to emotionally will also eventually abandon him in similar ways, making him less likely to want to trust or open up to others.

Julia’s Experience as the Vetoed, Primary Partner: