Healthier Alternatives to Veto Power in Non-Monogamy
Veto power may offer the illusion of security, but this quick-fix solution often exacerbates the issues of insecurities and fear it seeks to quell.
What is Veto Power?
Veto power in the context of hierarchical non-monogamous dynamics refers to the authority granted to one partner to unilaterally terminate or block certain actions or relationships pursued by their partner(s) outside of the primary relationship. This rule typically allows the vetoing partner to end extramarital or extrapartnership relationships, interactions, or agreements that they perceive as too threatening or uncomfortable to the primary relationship. It grants one partner the power to override the autonomy and agency of their partner(s) in specific relational matters—essentially, the nuclear option in the possibilities of non-monogamous agreements.
Example of Veto Power in Action
In the diagram above, Joe and Julia identify as primary partners—let’s say they’ve been married monogamously for 6 years and in the last two years they’ve decided to open their relationship and begin seeing other people. Julia has been dating Mike for 7 months, and she considers him a secondary partner (meaning she tends to prioritize Joe’s needs and her relationship with him). When they opened their marriage, Joe and Julia decided to put a veto rule in place, which means that if either of them get too close or too involved with another person they’re dating, the other one can require that they end things with the secondary partner. After watching his wife develop increasing emotional intimacy with this other man, Joe decides he is not comfortable with the amount of closeness in their relationship, and tells Julia that she can no longer see Mike. Per their agreement, Julia has to comply with Joe’s request to protect her “primary partnership,” even though Mike has become an important person in her life, and she wants to continue seeing him.
Some of the Larger Problems This Rule May Unintentionally Create
Here are some of the many possible negative, unexpected repercussions and patterns that Joe vetoing Julia’s relationship with Mike may create for all three of them:
Mike’s Experience as the Vetoed, Secondary Partner:
He gets dropped by Julia (often with little to no warning, communication or after care), and is left questioning if Julia ever really cared about him or if his needs really matter at all. This may be very traumatizing and damaging to Mike’s attachment system and internal sense of self worth. Unfortunately, getting the rug pulled out from under him in this way may contribute to his own feelings of insecurity in future relationships and he may assume other people he grows close to emotionally will also eventually abandon him in similar ways, making him less likely to want to trust or open up to others.
Julia’s Experience as the Vetoed, Primary Partner:
She will likely feel a loss of agency to make her own choices, and due to her agreements with Joe, she is likely not able to provide sufficient care or support for Mike after telling him it’s over, which may make her feel guilty and “bad.” Her choice to allow Joe the power to veto her relationship with Mike may actually erode trust in her primary partnership and she may resent Joe for controlling her actions and be angry about his inability to manage his own difficult emotions. Moving forward, if they continue with their open relationship, she may not be as forthcoming with Joe about the depth of her feeling and connection with other people she dates, for fear that if she tells the truth, Joe will once again forbid her to continue developing emotional bonds with others.
Joe’s Experience as the Primary Partner Who Used the Veto Rule:
In some ways, he may now feel as if he can relax into knowing that Julia is “his” and his alone. However, because Julia is likely resentful that he made the choice to use his veto power, Joe and Julia may develop new patterns of tension and friction in their relationship that did not exist before. There also may also be a growing fear somewhere in the back of his mind that if he himself becomes interested in a new potential partner in the future, Julia may be more empowered to veto it, just like he did to her. As a result, on some level, Joe may be more likely to obscure or minimize his true feelings about other people he’s dating moving forward, for fear that if Julia sees how much he cares about someone else, she too will end that relationship for him.
Do you see the insidious ways veto power causes harm and actually encourages partners to be secretive and hide their feelings, instead of vulnerably sharing what they are experiencing?
Veto power is a hyper focus on quelling the immediate discomfort, but the quick fix may actually snowball into a much bigger issue in the future. Veto power fosters a culture of control, where people may end up withholding feelings, stifling communication, breeding resentment and overly surveilling or tracking their partner’s behaviors in a way that feels draining and unhealthy. It feeds into the primal urge to protect what is perceived as one’s own, rather than having a more nuanced conversation about deeper fears and needs to create true safety. Within this paradigm, veto power is a contentious tool.
For some couples, the allure of veto power lies in its simplicity—a clear, definitive boundary (or rather, an “eject button” that anyone can press if they feel discomfort) that in theory promises to shield against the perils of jealousy and insecurity. Yet, beneath the comforting facade of what can feel like a security blanket, what happens when someone uses the veto rule is often the erosion of autonomy, agency, and trust.
Healthier Alternatives to Veto Power in Non-Monogamy
So, what alternatives exist for couples seeking to navigate the tumultuous waters of non-monogamy without resorting to the blunt instrument of veto power? The answer lies in a radical reimagining of partnership – one rooted in empathy, compassion, and a deep reverence for individual autonomy. Rather than wielding veto power as a cudgel, couples can explore gentler solutions that honor both their own boundaries and those of their partners. These less extreme approaches require commitment, a willingness to sit with discomfort, and lots of practice.
Practice Being Willing to Discover Your Deeper Underlying Needs & Heal Core Wounds
Instead of instinctively reacting to feelings of insecurity and calling everything off when you get overwhelmed, ask the fearful parts of you what they need to feel safe, and what they’re trying to protect you from. The stronger and louder the fear is inside of you, the greater the opportunity there is to bring healing to the deeper underlying wound. Take the time to acknowledge and understand what the younger, hurt parts of you need from yourself and your partner. Engage in a dialogue with your emotions, seeking to uncover their underlying motivations and origins. Recognize that deeper fears often stem from unresolved wounds or past traumas. Approach these feelings with compassion and curiosity, allowing yourself to explore the root causes of your discomfort. Prioritize your journey of healing to address any lingering beliefs or patterns that may hinder your ability to engage in non-monogamous relationships in a healthy, non-controlling manner. For many people, core wounds were created in their family of origins and pertain to things they did or didn’t receive that they needed to feel safe in connection with others.
Explore different tools and techniques that invite you to delve into introspection and self-awareness, recognizing and confronting the deep-seated fears and insecurities that may stem from past experiences or traumas. For me, I’ve sought intentional healing for the last twenty years in all kinds of modalities: from individual to couple’s therapy, breathwork to guided plant medicine ceremonies, solo therapeutic writing to intentional community events, yoga and meditation. Experiment to see what works for you, and know that healing is a winding journey and results don’t happen overnight.
Over time, in the commitment to addressing your own underlying fears and insecurity, you can cultivate a greater sense of emotional resilience that will allow your approach to non-monogamy to stem from a place of self-assurance. Ultimately, healing enables you to approach your relationships with openness and generosity, freeing yourself from the impulse to control or limit your partner’s connections with others. Through self-compassion and introspection, you can cultivate a mindset of abundance and trust, allowing you to navigate relationships with a greater sense of respect, and a genuine desire for mutual growth and fulfillment without feeling threatened or insecure.
Practice Vulnerable, Clear Communication
Instead of agreeing to a veto rule, consider committing to practicing clear communication with your partner(s). This doesn’t mean you spew all of your unfiltered fears and thoughts at one another all of the time in a never-ending sea of exhausting, emotional processing. Instead, make a commitment to being vulnerable with yourself and with each other about what you truly need to feel safe and secure in an intimate relationship with each other. Create intentional time and space to share open, honest dialogue (here are a couple check-in formats you can consider using), where you create space for you and your partner to express their needs, desires, and insecurities without fear of judgment or reprisal.
It can be beneficial to have structures in place to help each of you get clear on your feelings BEFORE sitting down to check-in with each other; this could include a journaling practice where you put all of your feelings down on the page and then sort out what is actually helpful for your partner to hear; alternatively you can call a therapist, coach, or a trustworthy, non-judgmental friend who can help you better understand your internal landscape and refine your feelings and needs before sharing them with a partner.
As much as possible, when you sit down to communicate with your partner, use this 4-part nonviolent communication framework:
Observation - “I notice…”
Feeling - “I feel…”
Need - “I need…”
Request - “Will you…”
“I” statements are easier to receive and less likely to create defensiveness in the listener. For example: “I feel hurt” > “you hurt me.”
Practice Cultivating Compersion
Cultivating a mindset of compersion—the ability to find joy in one’s partner’s happiness—can serve as an antidote to jealousy and insecurity. Compersion is a term often used in the context of consensual non-monogamous relationships, particularly within polyamory, which refers to the positive emotional response one feels when witnessing their partner(s) experiencing joy, happiness, or fulfillment from their connections with others, especially romantic or sexual relationships. Essentially, it’s the opposite of jealousy; instead of feeling threatened or envious by their partner’s interactions with others, individuals who experience compersion feel a sense of satisfaction and even delight in seeing their partner(s) enjoying fulfilling relationships outside of their own. By reframing other relationships as opportunities for growth, connection, and mutual enrichment, couples can transcend the limitations of possessiveness and embrace the boundless possibilities of love.
As someone who has been on the receiving end of a veto more than once (meaning someone who I was not dating decided for me and the person I was dating that we could no longer see each other), it is my least favorite agreement in non-monogamy. After having a traumatic experience with a couple who used the veto rule against me, I am no longer willing to date people who operate in this way (for further reading see my article on unpacking couple’s privilege and the predatory nature of unicorn hunting).
As a non-monogamy relationship coach I recommend people really think twice before agreeing to a veto rule, and instead look at what they’re trying to protect against. It absolutely takes more time and energy to own your fears, communicate your needs, heal your core wounds, and practice moving away from jealousy and towards compersion. But this slower, more intentional approach over time will create a more equitable and compassionate environment for everyone involved. Moving away from veto power and instead building relationships based on real trust and vulnerability requires courage and an unwavering (admittedly, sometimes exhausting) commitment to personal growth and healing.
If you need support working through jealousy and insecurity and want to build healthier non-monogamous relationships, I’d love to support you. I currently have limited space for 1:1 relationship coaching clients and my next group coaching program will likely launch in September 2024; book a 30 minute call to explore the possibility of working together: