Unpacking Couple’s Privilege and The Predatory Nature of "Unicorn Hunting"

Five ethical considerations for couples to ponder before "adding a third"

For many curious couples, opening their relationship can often start by seeking new shared sexual experiences together. It's extremely common to find couples (usually a heterosexual man and a 'heteroflexible woman) on dating platforms like Feeld who are looking to spice up their relationship by "adding another female to their relationship" in the form of a one-off threesome or an ongoing girlfriend situationship. This third person, usually a bisexual woman, is often referred to as a "unicorn,” the illusive, rare, and mythical creature of non-monogamy who in theory will love and please them both. While the idea of this novel arrangement may initially seem exciting for couples looking to explore new dimensions of intimacy, beneath the surface lies a complex landscape fraught with potential pitfalls and the real possibility of causing harm.

So what exactly does being a “unicorn hunter” entail? It's the pursuit of someone willing to be in a relationship with both members of an existing couple, adhering to predetermined rules and expectations set by the couple, usually without their input. And it’s predatory in nature to seek someone to fulfill specific criteria without regard for their individual desires and needs. While there are individuals open to triads, there's a significant distinction between genuine interest in forming a triad (a brand new relationship composed of three people) and the problematic dynamics often associated with unicorn hunting (tacking a third person on as a loose, often discardable, appendage to an existing two person couple).

In my early experiences with open relationships in the Bay Area, I took pride in being a unicorn. I enjoyed feeling like a special guest star in someone else’s loving relationship, and because I was naive and unskilled, I let the couple dictate the rules of our engagement. I eventually realized the power dynamics were inherently unbalanced in this setup when it became clear that my needs and feelings were secondary to the needs of their own, and the couple’s priority was to protect their original relationship. I felt objectified and reduced to a mere instrument for the couple's pleasure, a human-sized sex toy that they tossed in the trash when they felt like I was somehow becoming a threat to their existing relationship structure.