3 Communication Frameworks to Enhance Connection with Partner(s)
Whether you’re in one romantic relationship or many, these three pro-active communication tools can help build trust, intimacy and safety
As the world outside begins to blossom, the season is ripe with possibilities to introduce new relationship maintenance habits into our lives to help us grow our connections to feel more meaningful and supportive. No matter what relationship style we’re practicing, we can all benefit from refreshing our communication routines to embrace healthier ways of sharing and listening to deepen trust and intimacy.
Proactive communication in romantic partnerships serves as a potent antidote against the accumulation of tension and resentment, fostering an atmosphere of openness and understanding. By actively engaging in intentional dialogue, partners create a space to address concerns, express needs, and clarify expectations before they escalate into unspoken grievances.
Below are three communication frameworks that can be used to create clarity, emotional connection and a collaborative spirit in your relationship(s). If you find yourself in recurring patterns of heated conversations that spiral out of control, it can be helpful to practice create more intentional space with boundaries to discuss hot topics. By implementing some regularly scheduled check-ins (two formats below for a lighter daily or weekly framework and a deeper monthly framework) that you and your partner can come prepared to discuss, ideally when you both are resourced and grounded, and have had time and space to reflect on the topics before diving in.
T.E.A.M. Check In Format
5-10 minute daily or weekly relationship-check in format
Designed to build intimacy and create space for light emotional processing. If you have regular dinners with a partner, it can be a nice ritual to do a T.E.A.M. at the end of a meal.
Touch: Hold hands, sit together with knees touching, or cuddle through the duration of the check-in. My nesting partner and I often begin this exercise by saying “We’re touchiiiiing” in a sing-song voice.
Educate: Share one thing you each learned in your day or week.
Appreciate: Offer words of affirmation or gratitude and love for each other; try to make the appreciation specific and unique each time you check in.
Memo: Any requests or notes for how you’d like your partner to show up for you, ie. “It would be really helpful if you can plan and cook an early dinner for us on Tuesday since I’ll be busy with class,” or “Today’s memo: Please don’t forget to take the trash out.”
FRESH Check In Format
30-90 minute monthly relationship-check in format
(An Aria Diana original communication framework! 🤓)
Consider carving out regular, intentional time to survey the landscape of your connection and identify areas of improvement to keep your connection FRESH! Consider this sacred time for you and your partner, and try not to let other obligations get in the way of it; pick a time that doesn’t feel rushed, ideally when you have time before to eat, and time after to re-connect or do something fun (ie. schedule it for the first Sunday morning of every month, after cooking brunch, with spaciousness to go for a walk together outside when you finish). It can be helpful to set a timer based on what you both agree you have bandwidth for each time; keep the conversation within the set time boundary (if you both let it drag on you may create internal resistance to scheduling these in the future). If another check-in is needed about one of these topics, schedule additional time later to revisit that specific item of conversation.
Feelings: Begin by taking turns to share: What do you feel good about? What are you not feeling great about? It can be helpful to start this process by celebrating and focusing on the positives before shifting to the places where you’re struggling. You can focus on your personal lives, your partnership, careers, work-life balance, family, stress, anything that is present and needs attention. Use I statements: “I feel…”
Requests: This is an opportunity to re-evaluate agreements, boundaries, chores, and expectations, and make explicit requests about what you’re needing from each other to feel safe and supported. You can ask: Is there anything I’m doing that you want me to continue? Is there anything I’ve stopped doing that you used to appreciate? What’s something I can do to help you feel loved or supported? Take turns making requests beginning with: “Will you…?” or “Can we…?” Focus your requests on improving the fulfillment of responsibilities and commitments in the relationship.
Economics: If you share bank accounts and bills, this is a good time to review your budget, discuss upcoming purchases, plan for taxes, and get aligned on spending patterns or savings goals. If your finances are not intertwined, it can still be helpful to check-in about shared expenses, ie. if you had a romantic weekend away together you can review things like: Who paid for the hotel? How much were groceries? Do we need to settle up on anything? You can also take this opportunity to get clarity on spending plans in the future, ie: Is there anything that would be helpful to me to know about your financial situation as we plan future dates?
Sex: Take turns answering some or all of these questions: How do we feel about the frequency and quality our sexual connection? What’s working? What turns you on, and what turns you off? How can we make our sexual feel more rewarding or satisfying? Are there things that sound exciting to you that we can try? If one or both of you have other intimate partners, this can be a good time to check in about sexual health practices and scheduling STI testing if necessary.
Health: Take turns sharing any health goals or worries. Are there ways you can support each other’s health? This can range from checking in about stress levels, to healthy meal planning together, to shared workout ideas. If either of you suffer from chronic health issues, fill each other in on how you’re managing and if any additional support is needed.
By regularly and proactively addressing key areas that tend to create conflict in relationships, you and your partner are solidifying your bond and building a sense of safety, security, and support.
Triple A Time-Out
A mid-conversation meta-communication pause to get clarity on the desired outcome of the discussion
This is an Aria Diana original framework, inspired by and adapted from the Multiamory podcast host’s “Triforce of Communication” because my memory benefits from alliteration.
Meta-communication involves acknowledging and understanding the varied communication styles individuals prefer. Instead of plunging into conversations and potentially facing frustration due to differing methods, initiating a dialogue about preferred communication approaches is valuable. Therapists advocate prioritizing the 'process' over the 'content' of communication, focusing on how we communicate rather than the specific topic at hand. This awareness allows for smoother navigation of discussions, and when content-related conversations become challenging, revisiting the communication process can often provide clarity before delving back into the topic.
Any time you find yourself feeling unsatisfied or frustrated by a conversation with a partner, it’s helpful to slow down to better understand what your partner is actually wanting out of a conversation; simply call for a Triple A Time-Out! and ask your partner what sort of response they are desiring. You can follow this script: “Are you looking for...Awareness, Assurance or Advice?” In other words: “How can I engage with you in a way that best supports you?
Rather than diving headfirst into conversations and potentially encountering frustration or tension due to incompatible communication methods, initiating a dialogue about our preferred communication approaches can prove beneficial.
Consider implementing one or all three of these proactive communication approaches to better cultivate mutual respect and empathy in your relationships while preventing the buildup of unresolved issues that may lead to explosive confrontations. Through transparent and honest communication, partners can nurture a foundation of trust and harmony, ensuring that both individuals feel heard, valued, and supported in their relationship journey.
Need more individualized support to identify and transform internal stories or communication patterns that no longer serve you?
Explore 1:1 Somatic Coaching to practice intentional communication frameworks that will help you express yourself, while developing a clearer understanding of your own nervous system, needs, desires, and triggers. ‘Tis the season to practice relating in healthier ways.