5 Common "Perpetual Problems" In Non-Monogamous Relationship Structures

Understanding and addressing complex challenges unique to non-monogamy (plus strategies for building healthier, more resilient relationships)

Last week, we looked at how the framework of non-monogamy might solve some common “perpetual problems” identified by The Gottman Institute’s research.

The Gottman Institute’s list of perpetual problems assumes monogamy as the default mode of operating, taking only two people’s differences into account (and perhaps some children). Dr. Gottman’s mono-normative research approach doesn’t specify relationship structures, styles or agreements, nor does it include the challenges of having more than one partner or lover with whom to balance preferences and negotiate agreements.

What about people who operate from a V, N or W structure?

Today, we’re looking at the ways in which non-monogamous relationship approaches may introduce some new, potentially more complex perpetual problems into romantic relationships, such as differences in hierarchy, disclosure, privacy, managing jealousy, metamour relationships and time allocation. Understanding these nuanced dynamics and approaching them with empathy and strategic dialogue can lead to healthier, more resilient relationships of any structure. By tailoring solutions to each challenge, such as ongoing negotiation, clear communication, and mutual respect for boundaries, partners can navigate these complexities and create unique relationship structures to fortify their connections.

Non-Monogamy Focused Perpetual Problems:

1. Differences in Relationship Hierarchy

   • Challenge: One partner may prefer a hierarchical primary partnership, while the other values all relationships equally and doesn’t want relationships to have to conform to a predetermined structure. In typical hierarchical approaches to non-monogamy, primary partners have the highest level of commitment and integration, secondary partners have significant but less entanglement, and tertiary partners maintain the least commitment and logistical involvement; alternatively, solo polyamory and relationship anarchy eschew hierarchical structures in favor of more fluid and egalitarian connections.

   • Solution: Successfully navigating differences in relationship hierarchy requires ongoing negotiation to find a balance that respects both partners’ needs. In addressing this challenge, partners should openly discuss their preferences regarding hierarchical structures, recognizing the validity of each other’s perspectives. This might involve exploring compromises, such as incorporating elements of hierarchy (like a shared home, merging finances or commitment to spend key holidays together) while also honoring the desire for egalitarian connections. Additionally, fostering a deep understanding of solo polyamory and relationship anarchy can help partners appreciate alternative approaches to relationship dynamics, craft creative connections that help them get specific needs met, and ultimately create a more inclusive and fulfilling relationship ecosystem for all involved.
     

2. Differences in Disclosure and Privacy