Non-Monogamy's Potential Solutions to the Gottman Institute's List of “Perpetual Problems”
What if we didn't settle for roughly 70% of all relationship issues being "unsolvable" by differentiating and expanding our vision of how we meet our needs, beyond a single superhuman spouse?
The Gottman Institute frequently highlights a sobering relationship statistic: approximately two-thirds of issues that arise between romantic monogamous partners fall into the category of "perpetual problems," meaning they persist despite efforts to resolve them. However, what if these seemingly insurmountable conflicts could find resolution outside the confines of traditional monogamy?
Non-monogamous relationship structures open up creative possibilities while alleviating the overwhelming expectation for one partner to fulfill all of our emotional, physical, domestic, and spiritual needs, potentially reducing the prevalence of unsolvable relationship issues.
According to the Gottman Institute, solvable problems often include matters like handling stress, recreation, diet and food issues, balancing career and family, dealing with in-laws. While these topics can be perpetual problems for some couples, they remain situational and addressable for others. In these cases, the conflict is limited to the specific issue without deeper, underlying meanings, allowing for resolutions that can be consistently maintained.
Dr. Gottman’s research here (which seems to examine only monogamous marriages) points to perpetual problems accounting for roughly 69% of all issues. Unlike solvable issues, perpetual problems resurface repeatedly, indicating deeper, inherent conflicts created by fundamental differences in needs or desires within a 2-person relationship.
Unfortunately, we have created the problematic idea in our culture that monogamous partners should fulfill all of our needs, and we’re disappointed when people fall short of our inflated expectations. With approximately 40-50% of first marriages ending in divorce,* some of these perpetual problems may too frequently becoming deal breakers for people who had impossible ideas about what their spouse would be able to provide.
What if instead, we thought about all of these perpetual problems as invitations to become more individuated? When we become differentiated from our partner, we can get more creative about how we get our needs met — and we create the spaciousness to find other partners who we can share hobbies or passions with. Differentiation in romantic relationships is crucial for preventing enmeshment and co-dependency. Our cultural notion that monogamous partners should fulfill all our needs has created unrealistic expectations, leading to relationship strain.
Viewing differences as opportunities for individuation allows partners to meet their needs more creatively and cultivate a network of relationships that support diverse aspects of their lives. By embracing differentiation, partners can alleviate the pressure on a single relationship to be all-encompassing, fostering healthier and more resilient connections.
“Perpetual Problems” List Based on Gottman Institute Research on Monogamous Marriages
As you read this list** of 19 perpetual problems below that commonly arise with monogamous marriages, consider how non-monogamous relationships (which don’t necessarily include cohabitating or sharing finances) might start to offer some possible solutions:
Differences in neatness and organization: One person is neat and organized, while the other is sloppy and disorganized.
Differences in wanting time together versus time apart and alone: One person wants more time alone, while the other wants more time together.
Differences in optimal sexual frequency: One person wants more sex than the other.
Differences in preferred lovemaking style: Differences in what each person wants from lovemaking, such as intimacy as a precondition to making love versus seeing lovemaking as a path to intimacy.
Differences in handling finances: One person is more financially conservative, while the other spends money more freely.
Differences with respect to kin: One person wants more independence from kin, while the other wants more closeness.
Differences in household chores: One person wants an equal division of labor, while the other does not.
Differences in raising and disciplining children: Variations in involvement, strictness, and approach to gentleness and understanding.
Differences in punctuality: One person is habitually late, while the other values being on time.
Differences in preferred activity level: One person prefers active physical recreation, while the other is more passive and sedentary.
Differences in being people-oriented: One person is more extroverted, while the other is more introverted.
Differences in preferred influence: One person prefers more dominance in decision-making than the other.
Differences in ambition and the importance of work: One person is more ambitious and work-oriented than the other.
Differences with respect to religion: One person values religious values more than the other.
Differences with respect to drugs and alcohol: One person is more tolerant of drugs and alcohol than the other.
Differences in independence: One person feels a greater need to be independent than the other.
Differences in excitement: One person needs more excitement or adventure in life than the other.
Differences in values: Major differences in life values.
Differences in relationship fidelity: Variations in what it means to be sexually loyal to one another.
How Consciously Choosing an Open or Polyamorous Relationship Style Might Solve Some of these “Perpetual Problems”
Instead of expecting two people to ever be totally aligned in these nineteen areas above, perhaps by questioning and transforming the default monogamous framework, there are ways we might begin to craft a more fulfilling set of relationships based on our own unique needs, thereby reducing perceived problems in our lives.
Below are three examples of why switching from a couple-centric monogamous framework to a more consensual non-monogamous or polyamorous framework might help three very different couples get more of their needs met. (Note that only one of these scenarios below is centered around meeting sexual needs). Of course, it’s possible to get these other lifestyle needs met by simply finding friends and activity partners, but if you find someone with whom you share a deep bond and affection, why put arbitrary limits on the love and care that’s available to you?
Here’s one potential non-monogamous solution for each of just three of these “perpetual problems” pulled from the list above:
Differences in Optimal Sexual Frequency:
Example Scenario: Josette and Dean have been married for 16 years. Dean is inspired to experiment with more novel sex and kink exploration, while Josette identifies as more “vanilla” and is uninterested in participating in Dean’s new desires or cultivating a more diverse sex life.
One Potential Non-Monogamous Solution: Dean and Josette create agreements that allow Dean to enjoy some new sexual and kinky experiments with others while traveling for work, while Josette remains happy with the occasional vanilla encounters with her husband.
Differences in Extroversion/Introversion:
Example Scenario: Levi and Darius have been dating for several months and are considering moving in together to form a more committed partnership, but they worry that their extroversion/introversion differences might be incompatible long term, which prevents them from deepening an otherwise aligned partnership. Levi wants to spend his weekends going to social events and parties and being with all of their friends; Darius wants to sleep in and go the gym and take his dog to the beach, away from the crowds.
One Potential Non-Monogamous Solution: Levi could keep his quality weekday time at home with Darius and find another more extroverted lover/partner who wants to go to events and parties with him on the weekends, allowing both men to remain connected while balancing their very different needs regarding social and introverted time.
Differences in Ambition and the Importance of Work:
Example Scenario: Tanya and Alice have been living together as girlfriends for years in San Francisco, but Alice is more ambitious and career-oriented and her work often takes her to Los Angeles. Over time, their different emphasis on work and ambition has become a “perpetual problem,” as Tanya realizes she prefers a rural lifestyle away from corporate pressures. They love each other and don’t want to break up but their differences sometimes feel irreconcilable.
One Potential Non-Monogamous Solution: Instead of splitting up, they could decide to de-nest (stop living together) while they still remain in partnership. Tanya relocates to a farm in Northern California. Alice stays in San Francisco, and often escapes the cities on the weekends; her time in nature with Tanya gives her life a sense of balance that would otherwise be missing. Alice brings excitement and stories from the outside world to Tanya’s otherwise tranquil, rural life, helping her feel like she’s still connected while not actually in the hustle bustle of a city. Eventually Alice finds an urban lover who shares her work passions and they become part-time creative collaborators. Tanya starts dating a couple who lives down the road from her farm and the three of them spend some of their weekdays together to prevent feelings of loneliness when she’s not with Alice.
Maybe we’d have to deal with fewer of these “perpetual problems” by not assuming that committed relationships must necessarily look like a specific, single flavor of exclusivity and fidelity. As we navigate the complex terrain of modern relationships, the prevalence of perpetual problems (not to mention high divorce rates and infidelity) underscores the need for alternative approaches to sustainable long-term partnership.
Non-monogamy, with its emphasis on autonomy, flexibility, and diversified sources of fulfillment, emerges as a promising solution to some of these “unsolvable” issues if we’re willing to unlearn the ideals of monogamy and amatonormativity. By embracing a more expansive view of relationships, based on possibility and creativity, individuals can cultivate partnerships that better align with their unique needs and preferences.
To be clear: This is not to say that non-monogamy is going to magically solve all of your problems. While this article focused on the ways multiple emotional, sexual or romantic relationships can offer solutions to “perpetual problems” that commonly appear in traditional monogamous structures, next week I’ll continue with the second part of this series by looking at the new perpetual problems that can arise within non-monogamous relationship structures (more people and more choices = the need for more balance, boundaries, and communication skills).
Looking for a nonjudgmental space to develop the essential tools, skills, and frameworks needed to explore and practice consensual non-monogamy or polyamory with confidence and more easefulness? Learn more about Aria’s 1:1 relationship coaching sessions, below.
While non-monogamy is not without its challenges, its potential to mitigate perpetual problems and foster greater satisfaction warrants further exploration and de-stigmatization as a valid relationship options. As we continue to evolve in our understanding of relationships, it's important that we remember we have choices and alternative possibilities that help us imagine creating new worlds where more people have lives that feel loving and fulfilling.
Book a 1:1 Somatic Relationship Coaching Session
Aria is a trauma-informed relationship coach and somatic facilitator, helping people practicing non-monogamy deepen self awareness, overcome insecurities and enhance communication skills to create more liberated relationships that feel expansive and nourishing.
In your personalized session, we might focus on:
deepening your self awareness around your desires
practicing communicating and listening in ways that foster trust and connection
updating monogamous-centric mindsets or limiting beliefs around love and connection
healing younger parts of you that are insecure about pursuing non-monogamy
releasing tension in the body and increasing your ability to be present through meditation and mindfulness
identifying areas of personal growth work and providing accountability to help you develop your ability to relate to yourself and others in more authentic ways
befriending your nervous system to better regulate your emotions
empowering you to navigate your triggers with more grace and compassion
learning how to craft boundaries and agreements that create clear expectations and a sense of safety
Limited spots for private clients this summer; book a free exploratory call now. We’ll work together to improve the way you’re showing up and participating in non-monogamous or polyamorous relational dynamics to be more aligned with your goals and visions for abundant love, pleasure and connection.
*source: American Psychological Association
**source: Great Lakes Counseling Center based on Gottman Institute Research