The "Comperstruggle" is Real
Exploring the coexistence of jealousy and compersion in non-monogamous dynamics
After taking a week off to rest and recalibrate in the wake of the U.S. presidential elections, we’re back with another episode of Composting Competition and Moving Toward Compersion.
In the final minutes of this episode, Salina shares what feels like a big shift in her somatic experience with me, after 11 months of me dating her husband, Justin. It’s a reminder not to rush the trust-building phase with metamours; we’ve been intentionally working to build rapport and a culture of mutual care and transparency. Building trust takes time and consistency. I’m hopeful that her share signals a turning point where my presence continues to register more on the compersion side of the jealousy-compersion spectrum for her, and less on the jealousy-inducing side of things.
Last week’s pause from recording offered space for reflection, and as the chill of a new political season sets in, I find myself returning to the importance of the work we’re doing to create relational safety and webs of support—not just within the context of consensual non-monogamy, but in the broader landscape of societal transformation.
During our week off from book club, I published 5 Ways Non-Monogamous Values Counter Authoritarianism and Inspire Collective Well-Being instead, and the breakdown I shared on Instagram of that article became one of the most widely shared and saved pieces of non-monogamy content I’ve created to date:
It’s heartening to know others resonate with the idea that transforming the way we relate to one another—on every level—can be a foundation for a more liberated society. In this moment, I am actively looking for hope and inspiration to give me fuel for whatever comes next. If you have found other resources that are uplifting and fortifying you, I’d love to hear from you—hit reply if this newsletter landed in your inbox or feel free to reach out: aria@ariadiana.com 💛
Education as Liberation
Paulo Freire’s assertion in Pedagogy of the Oppressed continues to echo in my mind:
“There’s no such thing as neutral education. Education either functions as an instrument to bring about conformity or freedom.”
This newsletter is a clear stance in favor of freedom and liberation—freedom in how we connect, how we love, and how we build community and chosen family. As I revisit the Waging Nonviolence resource, 10 Ways to Be Prepared and Grounded Now That Trump Has Won, I’m particularly drawn to the fourth pathway outlined on how to protect democracy and resist authoritarianism: Build Alternatives.
In a polarized political climate that fosters distrust and isolation, intentionally focusing on new culture-building that promotes healing, grounding, collaboration and self-trust is essential. I feel empowered and more dedicated than ever to creating brave spaces for marginalized communities practicing non-normative and queer relationship structures—spaces where belonging, co-regulation, and connection thrive.
Courageous Conversations: December’s Theme 💔💖
Next month in Oakland, we’ll close out the year with our final Courageous Conversations event utilizing the Narrative 4 Story Exchange model to build empathy and reflect on the natural cycles of love, loss, and renewal. December’s theme, Exploring Relationship Endings and Beginnings, invites us to examine the transitions that shape us. Whether it’s the lessons learned from a relationship’s end or the excitement of new beginnings, we’ll explore how these moments challenge us and offer opportunities for growth.
📅 Event Details:
When: Thursday Dec. 12th, 7:30 - 10:30 PM
Where: Private Venue in Oakland
Past participants in this event series have reported feeling deeply moved by the vulnerable group sharing, less alone in their experiences navigating non-monogamy, and grateful to have new community with whom to be authentic and share parts of themselves they often keep hidden in our wider mono-normative society.
Episode Highlights: Chapter 6 – Coexistence of Jealousy and Compersion
In this video we’re exploring the Coexistence of Jealousy and Compersion in Chapter 6 of Marie Thouin’s book, What is Compersion? This lively and heartfelt discussion explores the coexistence of these seemingly contradictory emotions and offers insights into navigating the complex feelings often experienced in consensual non-monogamous (CNM) relationships.
Key Highlights and Topics Discussed:
“Comperstruggle” Defined
We dive into the term “comperstruggle,” coined by Thouin and jealousy researcher Dr. Joli Hamilton, describing instances “where a person feels pulled between jealousy and compersion” in polyamorous dynamics. We share real-life examples and strategies for navigating this emotional push-and-pull.Managing Conflicting Feelings
The conversation delves into practical techniques for working with the conflicting feelings that arise in CNM, from mindfulness practices to journaling and grounded communication with partners.Challenging Monogamous Cultural Conditioning
We examine the "feeling rules" imposed by monogamous cultural conditioning—such as the expectation of jealousy when a partner connects with someone else—and explore how these norms shape emotional responses in non-monogamous relationships.Compersion and Jealousy as Social Constructs
We discuss philosopher Ronald de Sousa’s perspective on compersion and jealousy as socially constructed experiences, shaped by individual beliefs, assumptions, and societal narratives.Rewriting Relationship Stories
We explore how dominant stories around relationships fuel feelings of competition, inadequacy, and fear of abandonment, and share tools for reframing these narratives to foster security, trust, and joy.Building Resilient Connections
We share how direct communication and trust-building with metamours help reduce feelings of threat, and how non-monogamy has inspired personal growth.
This episode offers a compassionate and insightful look at embracing both the challenges and joys of CNM relationships. Whether through our continued exploration of compersion or my Courageous Conversations Oakland event series, these discussion spaces are designed to build a culture of empathy, resilience, and shared liberation. Let’s compost what no longer serves us and make space for love, transformation, and deeper connection in the months and years ahead.
Join the Chat
Tell us we’re not alone with the comperstruggle! How are you holding up during these times? Join the chat to share an update on how this new season is landing for you, or share about a time where you felt pulled between jealousy and compersion in non-monogamous dynamics.
