5 Ways Non-Monogamous Values Counter Authoritarianism and Inspire Collective Well-Being
Exploring how non-monogamy’s principles of collaboration and mutual care challenge hierarchical power structures
In these trying times, how do we keep moving from a place of love, not fear?
My heart feels heavy right now and I’m looking to spiritual elders like Bell Hooks and Audre Lorde and to political thought leaders like Robert Reich and Showing Up for Racial Justice to help point the way forward. The recent U.S. presidential election underscores that, as a society, we are far from okay. We’re witnessing the damaging effects of a deeply embedded supremacy mindset that teaches domination as the norm, prioritizing control and power over collective well-being. In these times, envisioning an alternative path (and then building it, together) feels more crucial than ever.
We begin to see clearly how much love matters, not the old patriarchal versions of “love” but a deeper understanding of love as a transformational force demanding of each individual accountability and responsibility for nurturing our spiritual growth.
- Bell Hooks, from her book, “Communion”
An increasingly authoritarian America stands to learn profoundly from the transformative values of non-monogamy, compersion, and abundant love. The work we’re doing to unlearn toxic monogamy and instead cultivate healthier, more expansive relationship ecosystems transcends the personal—it’s a direct challenge to the hierarchical, scarcity-driven systems embedded in our culture. Non-monogamy teaches us flexibility, empathy, and a commitment to relational abundance and collective care, values that stand in stark opposition to the harmful frameworks that dominate mainstream society. Embracing these principles of communal care, cooperation, and shared well-being confronts the corrosive narrative of rugged individualism and resource hoarding, pushing us toward a more just, inclusive, and compassionate society.
Non-monogamy offers not just an alternative way of relating, but a blueprint for radical social transformation and liberation. In a society increasingly gripped by authoritarianism and individualism, non-monogamous values challenge these norms by fostering interconnectedness, openness, and a reimagined sense of community. By dismantling colonized relationship paradigms, we create networks of love and support that honor autonomy and nurture a more embodied sense of security, dignity, and belonging. Non-monogamous practices push us to operate from a place of relational abundance and communal care, directly opposing the scarcity-driven, hierarchical frameworks in mainstream culture where billionaires hoard wealth while essential workers, marginalized communities, and vulnerable individuals struggle to survive.
This newsletter is designed to empower those practicing non-monogamy and polyamory to cultivate liberated, expansive, and deeply nourishing relationships. Here are five powerful ways non-monogamous values counter authoritarianism and inspire collective well-being—cultural shifts I hope will ripple outward into broader society:
Letting Go of Ownership: Non-monogamy disrupts the notion of ownership within relationships, encouraging appreciation, gratitude and respect without possession. When we release our need to control others, we create space for connection to flourish freely. Extending this principle beyond relationships, we can challenge harmful attachments to ownership over land, resources, and people. Let us shift from a mindset rooted in control and divisive “us versus them” thinking to one grounded in respect for autonomy, dismantling the forces of exploitation and the colonial drive that fuel a culture of extraction and inequality.
Reconceptualizing Security and Power: In American culture, security is often equated with dominance, surveillance, violence, mandates, power struggles, and resource hoarding. Non-monogamous relationships, by contrast, demonstrate that true security is built on trust, care, mutually created agreements, openness and vulnerability. When we project control onto others, we may actually undermine the connection and safety we hope to create, leading to fear and disconnection. By shifting from a control-based approach to one that invites us to make decisions from a place of grounded self-regulation that accounts for the wellbeing of a wider relational ecosystem, we can foster safer, more connected relationships that honor each person’s autonomy and dignity.
Promoting Abundance Thinking: Compersion and non-monogamy show us that love and connection are limitless, contrasting the scarcity mindset often reinforced by the isolated nuclear family model and the U.S. 2-party political system. Adopting this abundance mindset in the broader social sphere can help address societal issues like poverty and environmental degradation. Rather than viewing resources as finite and hoarding them, we can embrace collective stewardship, building sustainable communities and fostering shared prosperity. When we start seeing love—and the world—as infinite and abundant, we naturally release possessiveness and scarcity-driven thinking and can bring more creativity to the vision of the future we’re building.
Embracing Compersion Over Competition: Compersion—the joy found in another’s happiness—directly contrasts with the need to dominate. A society that celebrates others’ successes without competition and rivalry fosters empathy and interconnectedness. This shift from conquest to collaboration allows us to prioritize cooperation, creating relationships and communities rooted in collective strength and joy.
Cultivating Emotional Intelligence and Non-Violent Communication: Non-monogamy requires deep self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and the ability to have respectful, open dialogue to find mutually acceptable solutions that can work for many people with different needs. Developing these skills within ourselves—and within society—decreases aggression and encourages constructive, collaborative responses to difference. A culture that holds space for diverse types of connection and prioritizes understanding over dominance lays a foundation for diplomacy, reciprocity, mutual respect, and equitable access to resources, allowing everyone to thrive.
Despite what’s happening on the national level, let’s continue to work together with our neighbors, polycules and wider local relational ecosystems to create regenerative communities rooted in collective support, abundance, and the understanding that when we care for one another, everyone can truly flourish. This is the work of social transformation, of re-imagining healthy love not as a pie with slices that get smaller as they’re shared, but as sunlight, abundant and infinite.
In these challenging times, find people where you can lean into connection, choose care, and build community. Don't lose heart or retreat into isolation. Cultivate real, lasting relationships that provide strength and resilience, holding space for one another’s growth and supporting each other in collective healing and expansion.
Non-monogamy teaches us a vital truth: no single person can meet all our needs—and just as one person cannot fulfill us, one president cannot "save" us. True change happens when we link arms, take collective action, and continuously show up for each other.
P.S. Salina and I took a mental health break this week and we’ll be back soon with another recording of the next episode of our Composting Competition metamour book club. Capitalism teaches us to continue on with business as usual, but right now, we are resting. I hope you give yourself permission to take the time you need to bring your nervous system back into a state of regulation, and then join hands with others so you can keep showing up as powerful force for love in your community.
Here’s a playlist of Music for Grieving & Dreaming that’s helping me get by:
For further reading about disrupting unhealthy power dynamics in non-monogamous relationships:
“Do you see the insidious ways veto power causes harm and actually encourages partners to be secretive and hide their feelings, instead of vulnerably sharing what they are experiencing?”
