Casual, Not Careless: Dating Skills for the Conscious Single

Non-monogamy lite alternatives to “don’t ask, don’t tell” that actually build real connection

Henri de Toulouse-Lautrec, In Bed, The Kiss, 1892

In a recent post, Choosing Not to Know: Practicing 'Don't Ask, Don’t Tell' with Consent, I explored how consciously opting out of certain details in non-monogamy—with mutual consent—can be a trauma-informed way to protect your nervous system and pace emotional exposure.

That piece focused primarily on couples navigating early experiences with openness, particularly when one partner feels overwhelmed by too much information too soon.

But what if you’re not in a primary-style partnership?

What if you're single, solo poly, or dating independently—and you still find yourself wondering:

“How much should I say about my other dates?”
“How much do I want to know about theirs?”
“Can I ask for honesty without getting a play-by-play?”

In solo dating, emotional safety often looks different than in deeply enmeshed partnerships. And yet, many of us still bump up against mono-normative conditioning that says:

“If you cared, you’d share everything.”
“If you’re chill, you won’t ask.”
“If it’s casual, it shouldn’t matter.”

But what if you’re someone who values clarity over vagueness—and privacy over performance?
What if you want connection without control?

Welcome to the in-between. Let’s explore some nuanced, solo-friendly ENM-lite skills that support transparency, agency, and nervous system peace—without requiring every gritty detail.

Why “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” Isn’t the Only Way to Keep It Chill

For partnered folks, DADT often arises when one partner can’t tolerate knowing about the other’s relationships. But for solo daters, it’s usually not about shielding a partner’s feelings and more about preserving freedom without feeling obligated to disclose everything. It often shows up as the default. It often becomes the default—quick, simple, and seemingly drama-free.

This instinct makes sense. After all, do your hookups need to know about your third Feeld or Plura date of the week? Not always.

But DADT can also:

• Leave people feeling disconnected or second-guessed

• Reinforce shame around around wanting both connection and freedom

• Inhibit the development of relational skills like compersion, boundary-setting, and differentiation

• Discourage thoughtful disclosure, which builds trust

• Mask dysregulation by pretending neutrality

• Assume people can’t handle the truth

• Keep everyone in the dark—sometimes to avoid discomfort, sometimes to avoid being known

So if you’re not a fan of DADT, but also don’t want to give someone your calendar or your password, what’s the middle path?

A more nuanced approach—transparency without over-disclosure—can foster both autonomy and intimacy.

Building Emotional Honesty in Low-Commitment Connections

Think of it like this: You’re not building a life together… But you are building an experience—however fleeting—with honesty, care, and self-awareness.

You want to:

• Keep expectations realistic

• Center self-trust

• Stay attuned to your nervous system’s limits

• And honor the other person’s emotional context—even if it’s a short chapter

This isn’t about withholding out of fear. It’s about relating with choice.

5 ENM-Lite Skills for Single People Who Want Connection Without Control

1. Transparent Framing, Not Total Disclosure

Instead of avoiding the topic of other connections, name your autonomy up front:

“I’m seeing a few people casually, but I value transparency and am happy to share anything that feels relevant or emotionally impactful, and I’m always up for honest check-ins if anything starts to feel important.”

This normalizes openness and lets you build context without obligating yourself to a report. It gives people informed context.

2. Relational Updates vs. Erotic Details

You don’t need to offer play-by-plays about dates with other people to be transparent. A helpful middle ground is clarifying what kind of information is welcome, useful, or triggering.

Try this:

“You don’t need to tell me every time you have sex with someone else, but I’d love to know when someone new feels meaningful or emotionally significant.”

Or:

“I prefer hearing high-level updates which feels helpful, rather than vivid details which can sometimes feel overwhelming.”

3. Practice “Relational GPS” Instead of Checkpoints

You don’t need to track every turn on someone’s path—but it’s helpful to know the general direction they’re headed.

You might ask:

“What feels most alive or important in your dating life right now?”

Or offer:

“I’m not looking for escalator relationships at the moment, but I do value depth and emotional presence in the connections I have.”

This creates orientation, not surveillance.

4. Use “Consent to Share” Agreements

Instead of withholding information out of fear, or assuming what someone wants to know, try co-creating agreements about what types of sharing feel good for both people.

“Hey, I want to check—do you prefer hearing about other people I’m seeing, or does that feel like TMI for where we’re at?”

Consent goes both ways. Some people don’t want to know. Others feel closer when you let them in.

You might ask each other: “What kind of info about our dating lives feels grounding, and what tends to overwhelm?”

5. Name Emotional Impact Without Demanding Change

If something feels activating, name it—but without trying to control or redirect someone else’s behavior.

“Hearing that you’re reconnecting with an ex brought up some surprise feelings for me—I’m not asking for anything to change, but I want to be honest about what’s alive in me.”

This keeps the channel open without pressure, and helps both of you build capacity to hold complexity.

When “Not Knowing” Is the Right Choice

As I shared in Choosing Not to Know, there are times when opting out of certain details is the best way to protect your peace.

Especially if:

• You’re recovering from emotional burnout or relational trauma

• You tend to overprocess or obsess after hearing about other partners

• You’re consciously pacing your exposure to emotionally activating material

The key difference?
In consensual DADT, you’re choosing not to know.
In disconnected ENM-lite, you’re pretending not to care.

You Don’t Need to Choose Between “Chill” and “Caring”

A lot of us have absorbed the myth that to be desirable in non-monogamy, we need to be “low maintenance,” hyper-independent, and unaffected by anything.

But here’s the truth: Relational maturity isn’t about being unbothered. It’s about knowing what does bother you—and having tools to navigate it without blame or collapse.

So whether you’re dating seriously or slowly—you deserve a practice that includes honesty, choice, and care for your capacity.

Because even short-term connections deserve real foundations.

You don’t have to be “serious” to be sincere.
You don’t have to be “in love” to be in integrity.
And you don’t have to overshare to be honest.

We need more middle paths in all relationship types—where curiosity and care are welcome, even when we’re just passing through each other’s lives.

Have a question or a topic you want me to explore?
Send me a message and let me know what you're navigating. I’d love to hear what you’re struggling with or curious about—your questions often inspire future posts.