Choosing Not to Know: Practicing ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ with Consent

A trauma-informed approach to protecting your peace, pacing emotional exposure, and co-creating safer non-monogamous relationships

Sometimes connection deepens not through knowing everything, but through trusting enough not to.

In consensual non-monogamy, there's often a lot of focus on transparency. And yes—honesty and communication are vital. But sometimes, transparency gets conflated with a constant stream of information that can feel overwhelming to an already taxed nervous system.

For some people, especially those navigating early experiences with non-monogamy or healing from attachment wounds, too many details too fast can create dysregulation, not security. This is where consensual 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' (DADT) can become a supportive, not avoidant, choice.

When practiced consciously, DADT agreements allow partners to regulate their own emotional landscapes first—to find steadiness internally before inviting in the complexities and details of external experiences with other partners and lovers. It’s not about secrecy or withholding. It’s about tending to nervous system needs as an act of relational care.