6 Essential Skills That Allow Non-Monogamous Relationships To Thrive
How learning to sit with discomfort, communicate clearly, and regulate the nervous system can enhance relationships
Last week I was interviewed by DIVA Magazine out of the UK, “The world's leading magazine for LGBTQIA women and non-binary people” to chat about “Somatics, Non-Monogamy, and Easeful Relationships.” One of the questions the host, Ali, asked me, which I answered live and elaborate on below, was:
“What are some of the skills people need to develop as they move away from monogamy?”
Opening up a relationship is a seismic shift. It’s not just about logistics—it’s about unlearning monogamy and stepping into a more expansive way of relating that many of us were never taught. Growing up in a monogamous culture, we inherit relationship scripts that equate love with exclusivity, safety with possession, and commitment with control. So when we choose non-monogamy, we’re not just navigating new relational structures—many of us are also building a skill set from scratch.
I remember the first time I watched my partner leave for a date with someone else. Even though we had talked about it extensively, set agreements, and reassured each other, when the moment arrived, my stomach twisted in a way I hadn’t expected. I spiraled—ruminating, needing reassurance, playing out worst-case scenarios in my head. At the time, I didn’t have the skills I do now. I didn’t know how to recognize my body's signals of dysregulation, how to self-soothe without grasping for control, or how to sit with discomfort without making it mean something was wrong.
Over the last 11 years of practicing relating in non-monogamous and polyamorous structures, I’ve learned that self-regulation isn’t about eliminating difficult emotions—it’s about building the capacity to hold steady with them. Now, when those familiar pangs of insecurity or jealousy arise, I have tools: I slow my breath, I feel my feet on the ground, I remind myself that relational expansion is uncomfortable but not unsafe. The fear doesn’t own me anymore. The ability to hold steady and learn how to respond thoughtfully to challenging situations, rather than reacting hastily, is a main area that I help others develop in their own intentional relationship explorations.
Here are six of the essential skills I help people cultivate as they move through this process themselves:
1. Self-Regulation & Nervous System Awareness
Non-monogamy stirs deep-seated insecurities and attachment wounds, making nervous system regulation crucial. I work with clients on mapping their unique nervous systems, recognizing their triggers, noticing when they’re dysregulated, and using somatic practices—like breathwork, grounding, or movement—to return to a state of inner steadiness. When you can soothe yourself instead of seeking external reassurance in every difficult moment, you create more space for trust and connection.
2. Communicating Needs, Boundaries & Desires
Many people struggle with distinguishing between requests, boundaries, and control. In non-monogamy, the goal isn’t to manage a partner’s behavior—it’s to express what you need while honoring their autonomy. This means learning to:
Name desires clearly and without shame.
Set boundaries from a place of self-awareness rather than fear.
Negotiate agreements that create safety for everyone involved.
3. Emotional Literacy & Processing Jealousy
Jealousy isn’t a single emotion—it’s an umbrella term for fear, insecurity, sadness, or even longing. The key isn’t to eliminate it but to get curious: What is this feeling pointing me toward? Rather than reacting impulsively, I help people learn to:
Identify the core need underneath jealousy (usually a need for safety, attunement, connection).
Question their fear stories and fact check disempowering narratives by staying grounded in the truth.
Use non-violent communication to request support or co-regulation from their partners.
4. Holding Complexity & Sitting with Discomfort
Non-monogamy teaches us to hold multiple truths at once:
I love my partner and want them to be happy AND It’s hard for me to think about them on a date with someone else.
I want freedom in my relationships AND I crave security.
This feels expansive AND This feels hard.
Many of us were taught that love should be simple, but expansive relationships require emotional agility—the ability to sit with complex situations that can cause internal discomfort without rushing to fix or suppress the feelings that arise.
5. Compersion & Gratitude Practices
Compersion—feeling joy for a partner’s joy—is often framed as something you either have or don’t. But like gratitude, it’s a muscle we can strengthen with practice. (For years, my nesting partner and I have had a morning practice where we meditate for 20 minutes and then tell each other 3 things we’re grateful for every day, and it’s built a strong foundation of positivity that we can lean on when we go through rough patches). If you’re new on this path of non-monogamous relating, don’t beat yourself up or expect yourself to feel compersion immediately; instead anchor into the attitude of compersion, and start small:
Notice moments of genuine happiness for your partner.
Reflect on the ways non-monogamy has expanded your capacity to receive more love and pleasure.
Cultivate an internal practice of appreciation.
6. Differentiation & Interrupting Control
Many of us were raised to equate love with enmeshment and codependency (ie. “You complete me” or “You’re my other half.”). Non-monogamy invites us to develop a strong sense of self:
Knowing who we are outside of a relationship.
Making decisions based on our values rather than fear.
Recognizing that love is not ownership.
(I recently shared about a new level of differentiation my nesting partner and I went through where we were reminded how spending time apart nurtures individuality, autonomy, and greater intimacy in our relationship.)
Ultimately, non-monogamy is more than just a relationship style—it’s a practice that invites us to rethink how we love, relate, and support one another. These skills don’t just make romantic connections work; they make all of our relationships—romantic, platonic, familial—more honest, more conscious, and more deeply fulfilling.
If you need support developing any of these skillsets, I’d love to support you. Learn more about my somatic relationship coaching.
You’re Invited: I’m hosting a FREE online workshop tomorrow at 4pm PST
From Overwhelm to Ease: Somatic Strategies for Thriving in Non-Monogamy 💛
I’m excited to announce:
Discounted* early bird enrollment for the spring 2025 cohort of my group coaching program, Nourishing Non-Monogamy, is now open!
In this 12 week online group coaching program…
You’ll move from feeling overwhelmed and uncertain to grounded, confident, and deeply connected to yourself and others. Discover how to transform jealousy, insecurity, and feelings of inadequacy into clarity, resilience, and self-assurance. Gain the tools and support to navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships with greater ease, authenticity, and joy.
*Prices go up February 11th!
