Our First New Year’s Apart: Embracing Differentiation to Deepen Connection
How spending time apart nurtures individuality, autonomy, and greater intimacy in relationships.
These early weeks of the year have shown me how much we depend on each other to navigate an uncertain world, reminding me that our relationships are what truly keep us safe and supported in difficult times.
Before I share a personal story below, I want to let you know about two upcoming opportunities to be in community with me and other open-minded humans:
My Courageous Conversations series is back in an every-other-month format: Join me in Oakland, CA, on Tuesday February 11th, where we’ll gather to share non-traditional Valentine’s Day stories celebrating the freedom to explore relationships that defy traditional norms.
The spring 2025 cohort of my online group coaching program, Nourishing Non-Monogamy, is scheduled to gather Wednesday evenings between March 12 - June 4. Sign up on my website to be notified when early bird pricing & enrollment opens up!
Ringing in the New Year, Differently
Differentiation is a cornerstone of healthy relationships, requiring a balance between individuality and intimacy—the ability to maintain a sense of self while staying emotionally connected to others. According to Ellyn Bader, Ph.D., co-founder of The Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, differentiation is “the active ongoing process of a person being able to define their thoughts, their feelings, their wishes and their desires to one another and to be able to tolerate the partner doing the same thing.”
The Challenge of Differentiation
This process can feel daunting because it asks us to let go of control, certainty, and deeply ingrained cultural scripts about commitment and togetherness. Traditional monogamous paradigms often expect couples to spend most of their time together, making autonomy and distance between partners feel like a threat. Yet true intimacy arises not from enmeshment and codependency, but from the freedom to be fully oneself. In non-monogamy, this means embracing the joy and fulfillment our partners find—even when it’s not with us—a dynamic that is both liberating and challenging.
A New Year, A New Perspective
This New Year’s Eve was the first time my nesting partner, Skye, and I spent the holiday apart in more than 12 years, since before we first started dating. He traveled to Las Vegas with his other partner to experience Anyma’s The End of Genesys show at the Sphere, a glowing orb of immersive technology and live music that felt as futuristic as it did grandiose — the largest spherical building in the world. Meanwhile, I found myself miles away on a mini digital detox in Northern California, soaking in the warmth of a natural hot spring with a couple dear friends. Two utterly different experiences—one drenched in a sensory overload of 16K LED lights and sound, the other bathed in silence and stars—yet both deeply fulfilling in their own right.
Navigating Uneasiness and Finding Fulfillment
In the weeks leading up to New Year’s, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hit with a wave or two of uneasiness. Zero part of me wanted to be in Las Vegas, and yet I couldn’t help but wonder: What would it mean to not mark the turning of the year with my nesting partner, as we had every year before? Would I feel left out? These questions arose not because I doubted our connection but because differentiation inherently stirs the pot of old fears—of abandonment, inadequacy, and scarcity.
And yet, as the holiday unfolded, something beautiful happened. In our separate spaces, we each found exactly what we needed. He was invigorated by the electric energy and otherworldly spectacle of the Sphere, a chance to immerse himself in an experience that spoke to his passions—art, music, cutting edge technology, and the thrill of shared awe in a culturally relevant space. I, in turn, found solace and renewal in long soothing soaks, the release of a deep tissue massage, the comfort of books and tea, and the joy of laughter, shared meals and quality time with friends in a cozy tiny house.
Reclaiming the Value of Friendship: Honoring Non-Romantic Connections
One of the greatest gifts of non-monogamy—and differentiation—is the reminder that friendship holds just as much value and importance as romantic partnership. Mono-normativity often places romantic relationships at the top of a hierarchy, relegating friendships to secondary status. Yet, in truth, our friendships can be equally fulfilling, offering deep emotional intimacy, shared joy, and unwavering support.
During my New Year’s retreat, I was reminded of this truth. The laughter and connection I shared with friends weren’t a consolation prize for not being with my partner—they were their own profound and nourishing experience. Friendship creates space for us to show up as ourselves, free from the pressures of romantic expectation, while still offering love and connection that is deeply impactful.
By embracing the importance of friendships, we expand our capacity for intimacy beyond the confines of romantic love. Friendships remind us that no single person—partner or otherwise—needs to meet all our needs. Instead, our lives become richer when we celebrate the different ways people contribute to our emotional ecosystems, building a web of connection that sustains and uplifts us in unique ways.
Staying Connected While Apart
Discovering a cute card Skye had written to me, tucked inside my suitcase and filled with reminders of all the things he loves about me and our relationship, reminded me that we don’t have to be physically together to stay connected; he knows words of affirmation are one of my favorite love languages.
When we reunited after the holiday, it was not with a sense of loss, but with a deeper appreciation for one another and the fullness of our lives. The time apart, rather than creating distance, made our relationship feel even more precious. Absence, as they say, does indeed make the heart grow fonder.
Loving with an Open Palm
This experience reminded me of a quote from Kaleel Jamison: “Relationships of all kinds are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers." This wisdom is especially resonant in non-monogamous relationships, where we are invited to love with an open palm—trusting in the strength of our bonds while also embracing the freedom to explore life independently. Trying to hold on too tightly—to control, to our partner’s time and energy, to the need to always be the “most special”—makes it harder to experience the joy and security that come from mutual autonomy to pursue our own needs and passions. Instead, love flourishes when we release the need for control and instead nurture connections with care, respect, and open-heartedness.
Differentiation as a Path to Growth
Differentiation isn’t about prioritizing autonomy over connection; it’s about recognizing that the two can coexist in harmony. By granting ourselves and our partners the space to honor our individual needs and desires, we can show up in relationships authentically and cultivate relationships that are expansive, dynamic, and profoundly nourishing. Seeing your partner as a separate, independent individual can keep attraction alive, as desire often stems from observing their uniqueness, confidence, and vitality. As Esther Perel reminds us in Mating in Captivity, eroticism requires distance, novelty, and mystery, and desire flourishes when partners maintain individuality, independence, and self-fulfillment within the relationship.
Of course, this doesn’t mean differentiation is always easy. It requires trust, self-awareness, and a willingness to sit with discomfort. It asks us to confront the parts of ourselves that cling to certainty and always want to be the chosen one. But it also offers immense rewards: the chance to grow as individuals, to love with less fear, and to return to our partners not out of obligation but out of genuine desire and appreciation.
A New Year, A Stronger Bond
This New Year, my nesting partner and I embraced differentiation as an opportunity to expand, trust, and love more fully. Even when apart, we remain deeply connected in the ways that matter most. The simple yet meaningful matching tattoos we got last month—nine dots for nine years of queer, polyamorous marriage—are a daily reminder of our steady, resilient bond. For me, that is the heart of nonmonogamy done well: the ability to trust that our connections can weather the space we give them to breathe and grow.
Work with me: I help individuals, couples and polycules develop the essential tools, skills and frameworks to practice non-monogamy and polyamory with more confidence and capacity. If you need more support, explore working together. My group coaching program, Nourishing Non-Monogamy, reopens this spring.
Join me next month in Oakland, CA!
On Tuesday February 11th, we’ll gather to share non-traditional Valentine’s Day stories celebrating the freedom to explore relationships that defy traditional norms.
