What Promotes Compersion in Non-Monogamous Relationships?
Exploring the individual, relational and social factors that foster compersion
We’ve arrived at Chapter 7 - What Promotes Compersion? of our Composting Competition book club video series.
In this episode, we delve into the dynamic and ever-evolving nature of compersion, examining the individual, relational, and social elements that help it flourish. Far from being a static emotion, for us, compersion is a mindful practice that thrives when supported by inner stability, deep relational trust, and a sense of connection within a nurturing community.
We discuss:
Why being able to trust the integrity and heart of your metamour helps build safety and soothes the fear of being replaced or abandoned by the shared partner.
The research that suggests that compersion is more likely to flourish when a metamour is perceived as both “high worthiness” AND “low threat,” and how to reduce the sense of threat through strategies like habituation, verbal affirmations such as “I respect your relationship and marriage,” and consistent, aligned actions that provide evidence supporting safety and reducing hypervigilance.
Inner security as both a state and a trait, each influencing our capacity to experience compersion. As a state, compersion more readily arises when we feel rested and have enough psychic space to process novel or emotionally-charged non-monogamous experiences.
Building a foundation of relational security, connectedness, and trust, including challenges in pacing (moving at the speed of the slowest person in the relational ecosystem) and the importance of cultivating relational skills in the early days of practicing non-monogamy to avoid causing harm.
The importance of boundaries to respect each partner's needs and create safety (especially when partners have divergent approaches and personalities; ie clear safer sex agreements when one partner identifies as demisexual and the other is a proud, kinky slut! 😉)
Practicing non-monogamy as a hero’s journey that creates pride by overcoming the many challenges.
The importance of 1:1 non-monogamy coaching to expand self-awareness and have a safe space to bring shadowy fears into the light, challenge limiting beliefs, and have a mirror to reflect growth.
The healing that is possible when we have non-monogamous social networks that help the parts of us that are often hidden feel seen and validated with others who share our values and are on similar paths of practicing non-normative relationships. (Shoutout to other wider CNM educators and content-creators we’re grateful to be in community with and learning from: Millie & Nick at Decolonizing Love, Evita Lavitaloca Sawyers, David Cooley, Emily, Dedeker and Jase from Multiamory, Finn and Emma at Normalizing Non-Monogamy and of course, Marie Thouin 💖)
If you’re interested in finding belonging with like-minded non-monogamous community…
Join me in Oakland at our final Courageous Conversations event of the year on 12/12!
You’re invited to a heartfelt evening of reflection and connection focused on the transitions in our relationships—the endings that have shaped us and the beginnings that have expanded us.
This isn’t just a discussion—it’s a brave space for sharing personal stories, gaining tools, and finding others with lessons and learnings from their own non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships.
Come gather for an evening of storytelling and connection to close out the year with a vulnerable exploration of the cycles of love, loss, and renewal.