The Spirit of Collaboration As a Key Element of Compersion
Chapter 4 of the Composting Competition Book Club Video Series: Leaning in to connection with metamours and cultivating attitudinal compersion
In chapter 4, Marie distinguishes between embodied compersion and attitudinal compersion. If you’re new to nonmonogamy, the idea of feeling joy when your partner is out on a first date with someone else feels like a stretch for a lot of people. Rooting into an attitude of compersion (holding the mindset of wanting your partner to experience happiness and joy) is a much more attainable goal, and this chapter is a nice reminder that we shouldn’t pressure ourselves to feel compersion. This approach allows individuals to cultivate a more compersive attitude and develop positive non-monogamous relationships, even if the emotional experience of compersion isn’t present. What a relief!
In this episode we discuss:
How learning to care for our metamours can disarm the threat response
Why internal safety and stability creates the atmosphere for compersion
Salina’s first experience of leaning in to connection in a kitchen table poly dynamic
Knowing each other’s tender spots and collaborating to meet everyone’s needs in a sustainable way
How embodied compersion isn’t a requirement for successful non-monogamous relationship structures
Here’s a 10 minute somatic exercise to help root into an attitude of compersion while recognizing the emotional journey toward embodied compersion. This exercise encourages you to honor where you are emotionally while gently rooting into the attitude of compersion without pressure to experience immediate embodied compersion.
Somatic Exercise: Cultivating Attitudinal Compersion
Grounding (1 minute)
Find a comfortable seated position. Allow your body to sink into your seat. Take a few deep breaths, feeling the inhale fill your lungs and the exhale release any tension. Gently close your eyes or soften your gaze.
Body Scan (2 minutes)
Slowly bring awareness to your body, starting at your feet and moving upward. Notice any areas of tension or discomfort, and with each exhale, imagine sending relaxation to those areas. Let the body soften without trying to change or fix anything.
Heart-Centered Awareness (2 minutes)
Bring your attention to your heart space. Place a hand on your chest and breathe into this area, feeling warmth and openness. Visualize a soft, glowing light radiating from your heart, symbolizing care and goodwill.
Attitudinal Compersion Visualization (4 minutes)
As you breathe into your heart space, imagine your partner on a date or with someone else they care about. Notice any immediate reactions in your body, whether they are tension, discomfort, or ease.
Return to your breath, rooting into the intention of wanting your partner to experience happiness, whether you are present and involved in generating those positive experiences or not. Allow yourself to simply hold the attitude of wanting their well-being and joy.
If any tension arises, breathe into it and let it soften. Remind yourself that it’s okay if you don’t feel immediate joy—this is a practice. Imagine your partner’s happiness like a wave that moves toward you. Let the thought of their joy stay with you for a few moments, and notice how your body responds.
Closing (1 minute)
When ready, open your eyes or lift your gaze. Take a final deep breath, thanking yourself for practicing the attitude of compersion, knowing that with time, the body and mind might both find feelings of peace, calm or joy in this practice.
Give yourself compassion for wherever you are on your own journey of cultivating compersion, and reach out for support if you’re struggling or looking for more personalized support.