The Hidden Weight of the Hinge: Why Balance Starts at the Center

Being the connecting point in a non-monogamous “V” means holding complexity with clarity, so the whole ecosystem feels steadier

Sep 16, 2025

One of my clients once described being a hinge as “like running back and forth across a tightrope, trying to keep both sides from falling.” She was constantly rushing between two partners with very different needs, working overtime to keep everyone happy. What she didn’t notice until she was completely exhausted was that she hadn’t paused to ask herself what she needed.

Her body was tired, her heart was scattered, and her nervous system was frayed. In trying so hard to hold both partners, she had forgotten something essential: the hinge is not just a bridge between others. The hinge is a living, breathing part of the ecosystem—and their steadiness matters as much as anyone else’s.

Because when the hinge wobbles, the whole structure feels unsteady.

What Is a Hinge?

In a non-monogamous “V” relationship, the hinge is the person connected to two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. The hinge often becomes the central point of the dynamic, navigating emotional, logistical, and communication flows between the two connections. In some “V” configurations, Partners A and B communicate directly (a kitchen table model), while in others they remain separate but aware of each other (parallel polyamory). Regardless of structure, the hinge carries the central role—balancing self-care with the needs, emotions, and expectations of multiple partners. This role isn’t just a position; it’s a skill. And like any skill, it can be strengthened with practice, awareness, and care.

Skill Spotlight: Differentiation

Differentiation means staying connected to yourself and to others at the same time. It’s what allows a hinge to lead with clarity without collapsing into people-pleasing or defensiveness. Practicing differentiation protects against overpromising, emotional leakage, and disappearing into others’ expectations.

When hinges speak with “I” statements to take accountability for their relational choices while holding steady presence and staying rooted in their truth, they create safety for their partners—even when conversations are difficult.

7 Common Hinge Challenges

In my private coaching work, I started seeing patterns surfacing again and again related to hinges—and the people connected to them. And it makes sense; most people were taught how to be in romantic or sexual relationships with a single person at a time, and the truth is, when we broaden the way we relate, we have to unlearn old habits and develop a new set of skills. The way this role is carried can make or break the emotional balance of the entire relational ecosystem.

As I began to analyze what I was seeing across countless V-structures (and in my own personal relationship dynamics) I identified seven recurring set of issues related to the hinge dynamic showing up. These range from boundary hygiene to emotional leakage to communication that causes confusion.

Challenge 1 of 7: Relaying Instead of Relating

In many hinge dynamics, communication gets muddled when one partner’s emotions are relayed to another, rather than the hinge speaking for themselves... Direct, self-responsible communication strengthens relational trust.

Relating—rather than relaying—keeps the hinge rooted in their own truth and prevents triangulation.

In some hinge dynamics, communication gets muddled when one partner’s emotions are relayed to another, rather than the hinge speaking for themselves. This might sound like “They need…” instead of “I’m choosing…” or shifting availability to manage someone else’s feelings. Over time, this blurs clarity and erodes trust.

Examples:

Instead of saying “I need to slow down our pacing so this feels sustainable,” the hinge might hide behind, “My other partner isn’t comfortable with us moving faster.”

A hinge might default to saying “She doesn’t want us having sleepovers” when the fuller truth is, “I feel anxious navigating that with her and I’m not resourced now to do that labor.”

It may seem easier in the moment, but this creates distance and confusion over time.

Supportive Practice: Speaking From Self, Not Through Others

Direct, self-responsible communication strengthens relational trust. A hinge can notice:

What truth feels hard for me to name right now?
Which feelings are mine, and which belong to someone else?
What story makes honesty feel risky?

Clear and grounded language might sound like:

“There’s some tension at home, so I need to check what I can offer honestly today.”
“I’ve been making assumptions about how this might land—can we talk it through?”
“I’m spending time with Partner B today because that feels aligned for me.”

This isn’t about disclosing everything, it’s about being intentional with how you communicate. It’s about using language that takes ownership of choice.

Other Common Hinge Challenges

Here are six other recurring challenges that I’ve noticed show up across hinge dynamics:

Emotional leakage (and the importance of containment)
Poor boundary hygiene that risks privacy and triangulation
Implicit hierarchy that goes unnamed or unacknowledged
Overpromising to avoid discomfort
Self-abandonment in service of harmony
Lack of repair after missteps

A Quick Centering Practice

Before making an agreement, responding to a partner’s request, or entering a hard conversation, check in with yourself... Place one hand on your chest and one on your belly. Inhale slowly for a count of four, and exhale for a count of 8. Repeat for a few rounds, allowing your full presence to arrive in the moment... Then ask yourself: ‘Am I Regulated, Relational, and Ready?’ If not, continue to resource yourself before communicating something potentially tender. This isn’t just about taking a breath; it’s about re-centering the nervous system so the hinge can show up from a grounded state rather than reactive urgency. Simple practices like this one remind us that good hinge leadership doesn’t come from rushing to appease everyone; it comes from presence and clarity.

A Glimpse at the Other Six Challenges

Relaying is just the beginning. The hinge role also brings challenges like:

Emotional leakage & containment
Boundary hygiene & avoiding triangulation
Hidden hierarchy
Overpromising to avoid discomfort
Self-abandonment for harmony
Avoiding repair after missteps

Each of these challenges can ripple through an entire relationship ecosystem if left unaddressed. And while they look different in practice, they all share one theme: without clarity, accountability, and steadiness from the hinge, everyone in the structure feels the strain. Together they point us towards the necessary skillset that makes or breaks a hinge’s ability to sustain love and trust.

Want More Resources for Non-Monogamous “V” Relationships?

If this resonates, my brand new resource, The Hinge Handbook: A Somatic Guide to Navigating Non-Monogamous “V” Relationships With Care & Conscientiousness, dives deeper into the seven common hinge challenges, plus frameworks for scheduling, boundary navigation, repair, and somatic grounding. It’s a practical guide for hinges and anyone connected to them who wants relationships that feel steadier, clearer, and more nourishing.

Sections Include:

7 Common Hinge Challenges (with examples and supportive practices for each)
Scheduling & Time Management frameworks for equity and clarity
Metamour Relationships & Boundaries — how to support them without forcing them
Communication & Repair Scripts you can adapt in real time
Somatic Tools for nervous system awareness, centering, and regulation

Whether you’re a hinge yourself or you’re connected to one, this guide offers the clarity and tools to turn a messy V into a sustainable web of care.

👉 Grab your copy here for just $22 and start building a sturdier center for your relationships.