The Common Core Fear of "Not Being Enough"

What to do when non-monogamy makes us question our inherent worthiness

A reader recently asked:

“How do you deal with your fears of not being enough? I like being able to listen to others who have healed through ethical non-monogamy.”

I love this question—and for me, practicing non-monogamy has absolutely been the catalyst for some of my deepest healing and self-growth.

But to really answer it, we have to talk about being brave enough to identify, sit with, and bring compassion to our core fears, which most of us probably would rather ignore, suppress or deny.

Most of us have a core fear: the deep, often subconscious belief that something about us is fundamentally wrong, unlovable, or not enough.

These deep wounds usually take shape in childhood, forming when we experience moments of abandonment, rejection, punishment, or emotional neglect. They’re not always caused by trauma with a capital “T.” Sometimes they’re born in small moments of unmet need that left us feeling like we had to perform, shrink, or self-abandon to stay connected.

Over time, these early experiences get internalized into stories we tell ourselves—stories like I’m too much, I don’t matter, I’ll be left behind, I’m not lovable unless I earn it. And when we enter into non-monogamous or polyamorous dynamics—especially for the first time and in the early years of finding safety without the known structure of monogamy—those stories can get stirred up in unexpected ways.