Rules vs. Boundaries: Are Your Partner’s Fears Controlling Your Relationships?

How to offer reassurance without sacrificing your autonomy in non-monogamy

Control, Paige Lindner

Balancing personal freedom with emotional security is often one of the biggest challenges in non-monogamy. When a partner struggles with fear or insecurity, it’s natural to want to offer reassurance. But what happens when that reassurance comes in the form of limits placed on your other relationships—restrictions on how often you can see someone, who you can date, or how deep your connections are allowed to go?

At first, these rules might seem reasonable. After all, isn't part of being in a relationship considering your partner's feelings? But over time, you might start to feel constrained, like your ability to make choices is no longer fully your own. If every step forward in a new relationship requires negotiation or if your autonomy is filtered through what makes your partner feel comfortable, it can start to feel less like reassurance and more like control.

Especially for those with fawning tendencies or anxious attachment, it’s easy to agree to rules in the name of harmony—even if it means overriding your deeper needs. You might tell yourself it’s temporary, or that compromise is love. But over time, self-abandonment breeds resentment.

Yet, growth in non-monogamy is a process—one that doesn’t happen overnight. If the relationship is evolving toward more freedom and trust, it’s important to move at a pace that allows space for both partners to expand their capacity. But that expansion works best when it’s about learning to hold one’s own emotions, rather than restricting someone else's choices.

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