Opening Up After Infidelity

Rebuilding trust and exploring non-monogamous relationship models to fulfill desires without breaking agreements

Question from a paid reader, for my paid readers:

“Do you have any advice for couples who are exploring non-monogamy after a betrayal in the relationship? How do you honestly evaluate the potential future of a valued long-term relationship or marriage while at the same time working through very real boundary infringements and the ensuing heartbreak caused by a betrayal?”

First, dear reader, I want to send you a big hug. The secrecy, deception, and broken trust of infidelity can be deeply painful. Betrayal can shake the very foundation of a relationship, leaving partners to grapple with trust and connection. I hope you have the support you need to help you heal and move forward.

Before I answer this big question, just wanted to remind you all:

• Our first Courageous Conversations event of the year is tonight in Oakland, CA! Come sit in a circle with other intentional relationship explorers to share personal stories that illuminate love beyond the boundaries of monogamy. Every one of these gathering ends in hugs (sometimes tears) and absolutely warms my heart!

• Enrollment is now open for my 12 week online group coaching program, Nourishing Non-Monogamy! Michelle who identified as poly-curious for 3 years at the start of the program writes: “After this group experience, I know myself more deeply. I feel more connected to my partner. I feel more certain of my non-mongamous capacity and desires.” Book a call to see if it’s a good fit for you. We start March 12th.

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Statistics on Infidelity in Monogamous Marriages

Infidelity is a significant concern in many marriages across the United States. Studies indicate that approximately 20-25% of marriages experience infidelity at some point. The success of rebuilding a marriage after infidelity often depends on various factors, including the couple's commitment to the process, the reasons behind the infidelity, and the effectiveness of therapeutic interventions. Engaging in couples therapy has been shown to significantly improve the chances of recovery. Studies have found that 60-80% of couples who undergo therapy can rebuild trust and achieve a healthier relationship post-infidelity. Ultimately, the success of any relationship after betrayal depends on the willingness of both partners to invest in healing and change.

Cheating often happens when we fear vulnerability, have shame about our desires, and avoid conflict.

An Alternative Path to Disrupt the Harmful Cycle of Monogamy & Infidelity

Consensual non-monogamy offers a way for individuals to explore and satisfy desires that might otherwise lead to betrayal, while maintaining honesty, care, and mutual respect in their relationships. With honest dialogue, it’s possible to disrupt the cycle of monogamy and infidelity and expand how we meet our needs beyond a single partner.

Often, the secrecy and deception involved with infidelity hurt far more than the physical or emotional connection with someone else. Lying is often rooted in conflict avoidance, so shifting toward differentiation—proactively expressing what you truly think and feel, even when it’s hard to hear—can be a crucial step in healing.

When couples decide to explore non-monogamy after a betrayal, they are not only opening their relationship to new possibilities but also facing the complex task of repairing and redefining their bond while building a new relational skillset. This journey requires an honest evaluation of the relationship’s potential and a commitment to growth while addressing the deep wounds caused by broken agreements.

Here are six things to think about as you evaluate the potential of re-building a new non-monogamous relationship structure and work through the heartbreak and boundary infringements caused by infidelity: