Metamour Relationship Discovery Tool

5 prompts to help identify if you’re more aligned with the non-monogamous philosophies and metamour relationship structures of parallel, garden party or kitchen table polyamory

Before we get into today’s newsletter, I want to highlight this month’s Courageous Conversations event in Oakland on November 14th. Come find belonging and community support as we explore together how jealousy in non-monogamy has impacted us, what it taught us about ourselves, our underlying needs, and our relationships, and the ways we’ve learned to move through it.

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Discover Your Ideal Metamour Relationship Structure

I’ve been spending a lot of time with one of my metamours in our book club video series, and I’ve heard from lots of you that it’s an inspiring example of the type of relationship that is possible when we move away from mono-normative frameworks and widen the scope of our care.

I put together this little guide to help you identify which type of metamour relationship best aligns with your preferences, values, and comfort levels. But first, some definitions for clarity:

A metamour is the partner of one’s partner in non-monogamous or polyamorous relationships, with whom one is not directly involved romantically or sexually. The metamour relationship varies widely and can range from close friendships to minimal or no interaction, depending on each person’s comfort level, relationship agreements, and personal preferences. Metamours share a common connection through a "hinge partner" or a "shared partner" and may choose to build supportive, friendly, or even cohabitative relationships or simply respect each other’s presence in the shared partner's life while otherwise keeping their distance.

3 Common Styles of Metamour Relationships in Non-Monogamous Structures

Parallel Polyamory: In non-monogamous relationships, a "parallel" metamour relationship refers to a situation where two individuals who are romantically involved with the same person (the "hinge") maintain their own separate connections and do not interact directly with each other. Instead, they exist in parallel, with limited or no involvement in each other's lives; they likely do not communicate directly, or engage in any activities as a trio. They might communicate indirectly through the hinge partner, but they don't form a direct relationship with each other. In this scenario, the focus is on maintaining autonomy and respecting boundaries. While there should be some level of be mutual respect and understanding, they prioritize their individual connections without merging their lives or forming a direct relationship with each other.

Garden Party Polyamory: A variation of non-monogamous relationships where individuals maintain connections primarily through their shared partner(s), known as metamours. This arrangement involves limited interaction between metamours, typically only coming together on special occasions such as birthdays, holidays, or significant life events. Metamours typically do not engage outside of these special occasion gatherings.

Kitchen Table Polyamory: All partners involved are comfortable enough with each other to sit down together at the metaphorical "kitchen table" and engage in open, honest communication. There is usually a strong emphasis on building connections and relationships not just between romantic partners, but also among metamours to foster a sense of interconnectedness, transparency, and community within the polycule, allowing for shared experiences and mutual support among all involved parties.

I recently read about another type of non-monogamous metamour relationship structure described as “lap-sitting polyamory.” This describes a style of polyamory with highly interconnected metamour relationships, popularized by the Multiamory Podcast. Something about “lap sitting” reminds me of Santa Claus, which if I’m being honest, is not the right image for my ideal relationship structure, so I don’t personally use this term (I’d probably just call this a very kitchen table poly approach) but essentially it describes a style where metamours form very close friendships, live together, or even share romantic or sexual connections.

5 Questions to Help Identify Your Ideal Metamour Relationship Structure

Use these prompts as self-reflection tools to discover if you’re more aligned with the non-monogamous philosophies and structures for your own metamour relationships: Parallel, Garden Party or Kitchen Table Polyamory