Fear Isn’t The Truth
Moving towards love and trust (and away from the stories that send us spiraling)
When it comes to non-monogamy and polyamory, it’s easy to get hyper-focused on the fear stories and find ourselves ruminating on anxious worst case scenarios. Why do our brains lock in on all of the ways trying to love abundantly is going to go wrong for us?
I often hear my non-monogamous coaching clients say things like:
“I’m afraid of trying non-monogamy and being bad at it.”
“I’m afraid to even talk about exploring an alternative relationship structure because I don’t want to be judged and rejected by my community, and end up feeling more alone.”
“I’m afraid on what’s on the other side of the comfortable wall that is monogamy. I feel a little trapped by the confines of the limitations of this wall, but at least I know it’s shape and contour whereas non-monogamy feels like a terrifying universe that I can’t quite wrap my head around.”
“I’m afraid if I agree to open the door to explore something new and foreign with my partner, there’s no going back to the relative safety of this known predictability.”
“I’m afraid of what I might find if I look at the parts of me that I shoved in a box under the bed when I settled down and got married.”
“I’m afraid to truly own my desires; I was taught me to add a double scoop of shame on top of my pleasure, with some sprinkles of guilt on top.”
“I’m afraid of upsetting my partner and making them feel inadequate if I tell them I want to try new things.”
“I’m afraid my partner is going to feel unloved or jealous if I speak about my attractions to other people.”
“I’m afraid my partner is going to abandon me if I give them spaciousness to date other people.”
“I’m afraid I won’t feel special anymore if we’re no longer exclusive.”
“I’m afraid my partner will meet ‘someone better.’”
I’m afraid I’m afraid I’m afraid….
It is so easy to hyper-focus on the fear.
What if for just a few moments, you drop into stillness, gently slow down the disempowering thought loops, and intentionally redirect your energy to focus on a more hopeful narrative where you are safe and nurtured and celebrated?
The Kiss, Gustav Klimt, 1908-1909
What if you could just lovingly acknowledge the fear as one part of a bigger, more resilient story?
What if you committed to healing the scared, wounded, unintegrated parts of you that vigilantly look for proof that will verify your worst fears?
What if you didn’t question your inherent worthiness?
What if you let your whole self be seen without hiding?
What if you had a vast web of loving support around you that allowed you to feel deeply held in the care of a whole ecosystem of lovers, partners, metamours and intimate friends?
What if you learned to trust that it’s possible to experience abundant intimacy and connection and still feel safe?
What if you didn’t have to hide your attraction to other people but instead were able to talk about it in a healthy way?
What if you had the skill set to communicate your feelings in a way that you were able to feel seen and validated?
What if you belonged to a community who accepted and celebrated the parts of you that you were once made to feel ashamed about?
What if you had so much love in your life that it was overflowing?
What would it look like to root more deeply into your visions of abundant love, connection, support and joy?
Even if we intuitively believe on some level that monogamy is not the right structure for the way we inherently want to relate to others, it can be deeply disorienting to move away from the known contours of monogamy.
Many of us grew up in a culture that taught us to assume everyone was dating around until they found one person to settle into a monogamous relationship with, where cheating was often an unspoken possibility, presenting these as the only options. When we unlearn this mononormative script and explore more creative possibilities, it’s extremely common to have parts of us that feel overwhelmed, insecure, confused and anxious. You are not alone.
I've been there, and I understand how disorienting and challenging it can be to navigate non-monogamous relationships, which come with their own ethical codes, language, and frameworks. Relating with integrity and care in non-monogamy requires a conscious and dedicated effort to unlearn old patterns and embrace personal growth.
A lot of my work centers on helping people move out of cycles of anxious mental loops and bring more awareness into how they’re actually feeling in their bodies in the here and now. When someone cultivates deeper self awareness and learns what an embodied yes and no feels like for them, they have more capacity to make and hold agreements and boundaries with partners that feel safe and supportive rather than constrictive and controlling. Knowing what we need and being able to advocate for it helps us move away from people pleasing tendencies that breed resentment.
People practicing non-monogamy and polyamory really need skills to identify their desires, communicate effectively, manage emotional overwhelm, build positive self esteem, create shared agreements with partners, and re-orient to the expansive (and sometimes confusing) possibilities of open relationship structures.
Need support moving through the fear and rooting in a strong foundation of safety, trust and love?
My non-monogamy coaching helps empower you with the essential tools, skills, and frameworks needed to explore and practice consensual non-monogamy or polyamory with confidence and more easefulness.
There are so many different ways to do non-monogamy; I’d love to support you on your unique journey to heal, grow and flourish in connections with others.
As I shared in this Instagram post…
Hollywood continues to portray toxic love triangles as a source of conflict, reinforcing the idea that loving multiple people means mistrust, jealousy and betrayal. Non-monogamy is trending in American pop culture, but mainstream media often perpetuates harmful stereotypes and misconceptions rooted in toxic monogamous frameworks of control and possessiveness.
It’s essential that people practicing non-monogamy find healthy modeling of alternative relationships that center consent, communal care, communication and collaboration, not competition.
I’m interested in seeing more empowering polyamory representations that broaden our understanding of how love and commitment can thrive in diverse forms.
In an effort to help build a more inclusive narratives that reflect real-life dynamics found in many polyamorous communities, I recruited 5 members of my polycule for an online event to help demystify the complexities of how we maintain harmony in our large relationship ecosystem....
We’ll explore our philosophies of relating, how we approach hierarchy, jealousy, time management, boundaries, metamour interactions, safer sex practices and more!