Choose Your Own Adventure: A Menu of Non-Monogamy Styles and Why They Work for Different People

A practical guide for naming what fits—without shame or pressure

There’s no one “right way” to practice non-monogamy—only the ways that feel aligned, consensual, and resourced for you—and the people you connect with.

And yet, many people step into non-monogamy believing there’s a correct path they’re supposed to follow:
Kitchen table poly, or bust.
Full transparency, or failure.
Equal love at all times, or you’re doing it wrong.

But just like there are many types of love, there are many ways to structure love.
And the structure that fits you best may shift over time.

One thing I’ve seen again and again—both in my own journey and in the lives of hundreds of clients around the world—is that relationship structures naturally evolve to meet the changing needs of the people within them.

Sometimes, a couple who once practiced relationship anarchy may lean into temporary monogamy during a pregnancy or major life transition—then slowly reopen in a way that prioritizes family care, shifting into a more hierarchical structure for a time. Other times, people find themselves moving toward greater autonomy or egalitarianism as they grow into new, more secure versions of themselves.

For some, non-monogamy is an identity. For others, it’s a practice, a philosophy, or a living experiment—none of which are fixed. What resonates may shift with seasons, circumstances, or the particular people you’re relating with.

My own path has included many iterations over the last 12+ years: Monogamy as the default only option until my 20s → Monogamish play party exploration with a partner → A quad-based open relationship → A hierarchical triad where I held a secondary role → Hierarchical polyamory → And now, a more egalitarian approach that feels aligned for my 40s—one that honors the inherent hierarchy of being married to my nesting partner, while still allowing spaciousness for close metamours and a wider polycule I truly adore.

Curious what that looks like in practice? Hear from some of my polycule in this video, Peek Inside Our Polycule, filmed during last year’s Week of Visibility for Non-Monogamy.

And if you're in a tender season of your own? I’d love to see you at tonight’s Week of Visibility online workshop, How to Stop Interpreting Your Insecurities as Evidence—a cozy, compassionate space for anyone navigating non-monogamy with big feelings and a brave heart.

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How to Use This Guide

Below the paywall you’ll find an overview of eight distinct styles of relating that fall under the non-monogamy umbrella. Each section includes:

• A name for the style

• A quick description

• A few “You might resonate with this if…” prompts

• One or two example agreements or values this style often includes

• Links to related articles exploring some of these styles more deeply—based on the most common dynamics I encounter in my coaching practice

Consider this an invitation—and a permission slip—to explore what kind of relating feels most nourishing, honest, and true for you.