Positive Empathy And 20 Tips to Cultivate Compersion
Chapter 2: Composting Competition Book Club Video Series
In this episode of our Composting Competition Book Club, we’re discussing Chapter 2, titled “Positive Empathy.”
Marie’s research found the two key components of compersion:
positive empathy
gratitude
This chapter focuses on the former, and empathy is defined as:
“feeling into” (the German definition)
the strong feeling-connection with another
“I feel what you feel” or “I can imagine what you feel”Marie’s take is that compersion is a shared positive experience
In this video we discuss:
How positive empathy of compersion shows up for us in the four areas that Marie’s research identifies (emotional, cognitive, attitudinal and behavioral ways)
“Self-expansion theory” which she says means that “as people get closer emotionally, they begin to perceive the other as part of the self”
How we experience the five themes that appeared in research participants’ accounts of positive empathy
Catch Up on Earlier Episodes of this Series:
Visit the Composting Competition landing page to find all of the earlier episodes of this metamour book club video series discussing Marie Thouin’s book, What is Compersion, and an abbreviated map of our polycule to help you orient around this discussion.
20 Tips to Cultivate Compersion
Here are 20 different ideas to help people practicing non-monogamy develop more compersion in these four areas:
Emotional Approaches to Cultivating Compersion
Self-compassion check-in: Take a moment to reflect on your own emotional needs, offering yourself the kindness that you would hope your partner and their partners also receive.
Empathy journaling: Every time you experience someone else’s happiness (friends, family, colleagues, etc), write it down to help you reflect on how that feeling might eventually translate to sharing your partner’s joy in their other connections.
Emotional mirroring: When your partner talks about a positive experience with another, explore how it feels to mirror their excitement, practicing emotional attunement.
Daily celebration ritual: Look for something small that you can celebrate with your partner every day related to your compersion journey, whether that’s more proactively naming attraction to a new person or celebrating something that went well in their relationship with another sweetie.
Appreciation circle: Gather with your partner and metamours and each share one thing you appreciate about the group’s dynamic.
Cognitive Approaches to Cultivating Compersion
Future visioning: Imagine a future where everyone in the relationship network grows in ways that strengthen the entire community.
“Benefit scanning”: After your partner returns from a date, actively think about how that experience has enriched them, and how those benefits might trickle into your own relationship. What new energy or insight do they bring back into your own relationship, that you might directly benefit from?
Metamour strengths: Actively list the strengths your metamours bring to your shared partner’s life and how they complement yours.
Reframing practice: When jealousy arises, practice shifting your thoughts to gratitude for the diverse kinds of love, energy, care and support that surround you.
Meditate on shared love: Reflect on how love and connection are not finite, but abundant, like the ocean, and each relationship is a different wave in the sea.
Attitudinal Approaches to Cultivating Compersion
Heart-opening meditation: Regularly practice heart-opening exercises, visualizing energy flowing between you, your partner, and your metamour (Marie calls this a “love bubble” meditation).
Mantra for abundance: Create a personal mantra like, "There is enough love for all of us," and repeat it when you feel insecure.
Cultivate friendship: Approach your relationship with metamours like a friendship, focusing on shared goals, generosity, compassion, kindness and support.
Cultivate gratitude: Spend time reflecting on the positive aspects of your metamours, imagining their best qualities and how they enhance and support important connections in your life.
Adopt the “team mentality”: See your partner’s other relationships as part of a broader support network that benefits everyone involved, fostering collective well-being.
Behavioral Approaches to Cultivating Compersion
Metamour shout-outs: Praise your metamour’s contributions to your shared partner's happiness.
Care package for metamours: Put together a small care package for your metamour when they’re sick, going through a tough time, or celebrating a personal achievement.
Date night send-off: Do something kind for your partner before they head off on a date with someone else, like packing them a snack for a picnic, giving them a sweet note or helping them get ready.
Pay for a date: Give your partner some “Compersion Cash” (a Salina Mae original) to take someone else out on a date.
Offer to support a shared event: Help organize or coordinate something that involves your partner and their other sweeties, lovers or partners, contributing to a sense of community care.
These practices can help create a culture of empathy and connection in polyamorous relationships.
Join the Chat & Spill the Tea With Us
What practices have helped you cultivate more compersion in your relationships? Share in the subscriber chat: