Chapter 1: Composting Competition Book Club Video Series
Today’s topic: Jealousy. My co-host: The wife of the man I'm dating.
In today’s book club video series, my metamour Salina Mae and I explore chapter 1 of Marie Thouin's book, What is Compersion? called: “Developing a Non-Mononormative Relationship To Jealousy as a Foundation for Compersion.”
(If you missed the first video, watch it here first explaining the format and our intentions for the project and bookmark the Composting Competition landing page where you can find a list of all of the videos in this 14-part series).
Mononormativity is the belief that monogamy—having one exclusive romantic and sexual partner—is the natural and ideal way to have a relationship. Challenging this means recognizing that jealousy isn't the only possible response to a partner's physical or emotional intimacy with others.
In this video we discuss:
learning to work with our jealous reactions and moving into a place of vulnerability and curiosity about what’s really going on inside of ourselves, instead of blaming our partners for making us feel bad
practicing removing comparison between ourselves and other women that society has taught us to see as competition
giving ourselves permission not to meet all of our partner’s needs
and so much more!
To help you track our conversation, here’s a map to help you orient:
Join the Chat & Spill the Tea With Us
We’d love to hear your own personal reflections on jealousy in non-monogamy and moving toward compersion:
Somatic Self-Compassion Exercise for Non-Monogamy-Induced Jealousy
I created this meditative exercise to invite you to cultivate a gentle, self-compassionate response to jealousy in the context of non-monogamous relationships. Consider carving out 5-10 minutes, finding a comfy seat, and taking time to practice this:
Acknowledge the Feeling: When you notice feelings of jealousy arising, take a moment to pause. Recognize that this is a natural emotion and that it's okay to feel this way.
Ground Yourself with Deep Breathing: Begin by taking several deep, calming breaths. Breathe in slowly through your nose for a count of 4, filling your lungs completely, and then exhale gently through your mouth for a count of 8. Repeat this process for at least five breaths, allowing your body to relax and your mind to settle.
Observe Your Physical and Emotional Reactions: As you continue to breathe deeply, shift your focus inward. Notice the physical sensations associated with jealousy. Do you feel a tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, or a clenching in your jaw? Observe these sensations without judgment or the need to change them. Next, become aware of the thoughts and emotions that accompany these sensations. What narratives or fears are coming up for you? Simply note them as they arise, recognizing them as temporary and not necessarily reflective of reality.
Identify Underlying Needs and Desires: Take a moment to consider what underlying needs or desires are being highlighted by your jealousy. Are you seeking more reassurance, connection, or validation? Reflect on how you might address these needs both within yourself and through open communication with your partners. Remember, understanding your needs is a crucial step toward nurturing yourself and your relationships.
Practice Self-Compassionate Affirmations: Place your hand over your heart, feeling the warmth of your touch. Silently or aloud, repeat a compassionate affirmation to yourself: "It's okay to feel jealous. I am human, and these emotions are a natural part of my experience. I am learning and growing through this process." Allow yourself to feel the comfort of these words and the understanding they bring.
Reframe Your Perspective: Gently remind yourself that jealousy does not define you. It is a passing emotion that does not diminish your worth or capacity for love. Consider how this feeling, like all feelings, will ebb and flow with time. Acknowledge that experiencing jealousy is part of being in a non-monogamous relationship, and it's an opportunity to explore deeper self-awareness and growth.
Engage in a Self-Soothing Activity: Choose a self-soothing activity that feels nurturing to you. This might include taking a warm bath, practicing mindfulness or meditation, going for a walk in nature, journaling about your feelings, or engaging in a creative activity like painting or playing music. The goal is to engage in something that brings you comfort and helps to restore your sense of balance and peace.
Reflect and Integrate: After engaging in self-care, take a few moments to reflect on the experience. How did the exercise impact your feelings of jealousy? What insights have you gained about yourself and your needs? Consider integrating this practice into your regular routine, especially during times when emotions feel particularly intense.
By regularly practicing this exercise, you can cultivate a deeper sense of self-compassion and resilience, allowing you to navigate the complexities of non-monogamous relationships with greater ease and understanding.
Join the chat and share: What are other ways you’ve learned to manage your jealousy?
Catch Up on Earlier Episodes of this Series:
Visit the Composting Competition landing page to find all of the earlier episodes of this metamour book club video series discussing Marie Thouin’s book, What is Compersion, and an abbreviated map of our polycule to help you orient around this discussion.
Watch the first video where we discuss our intentions for this new project, the book’s introduction & the foreword by Jessica Fern:
