Building Gratitude & Creating Safety in Non-Monogamy
Chapter 3 of the Composting Competition Book Club Video Series: How to foster gratitude amidst external stigmas and internal mononormative conditioning
New here? Visit the Composting Competition landing page to find all of the earlier episodes of this metamour book club video series discussing Marie Thouin’s book, What is Compersion, and an abbreviated map of our polycule to help you orient around this discussion.
In chapter 3, “Gratitude,” Marie writes that people “often expressed gratitude to one another for being willing to brave the social stigma of mononormativity together, be ‘partners in crime’ and ‘do the work’ to show up fully in consensually non-monogamous relationships.
I have so much gratitude to my metamour Salina Mae for publicly doing this countercultural work with me, and for the shared language and culture that she and I are building around trauma-informed care, somatics, mindfulness, and decolonization.
In this video we discuss:
Feeling gratitude for our inner personal positive emotional experiences with non-monogamy, despite the external stigma
The 7 common sources of gratitude Marie’s research participants identified (full list below) and which ones stoke our own feelings of gratitude related to consensual non-monogamy
The ways we’re still working through internalized mononormativity that invoke feelings of threat vs. gratitude
Building the “safety scaffolding” to help us feel more at ease with non-monogamy
Which of these 7 common sources of gratitude most resonate with your own non-monogamous experiences? Join the chat below to weigh in!
Here’s a mindfulness and journaling exercise I designed to help individuals focus on the abundance, joy, and support present in their non-monogamous relationships by creating a feedback loop of gratitude that strengthens connection and mutual appreciation.
The Gratitude Loop: Strengthening Appreciation in Non-monogamous Relationships
Preparation
Find a quiet space where you can reflect without interruptions. Take a few deep breaths to center yourself and set the intention to cultivate gratitude for the people in your life.Identify Three Relationships You’re Grateful For
Think about three significant relationships in your non-monogamous life. These could be partners, metamours, close friends or mentors who provide support to your polycule in a non-romantic way. Write down their names and a few key traits or qualities that come to mind when you think of them.Reflect on Their Impact
For each of the three relationships, reflect on the following prompts:What has this person brought into your life that you wouldn’t have without them?
How has this relationship allowed you to grow, evolve, or expand your understanding of love?
What small, everyday moments have you shared that bring you joy or comfort?
Write your thoughts down for each person, allowing yourself to focus on the positive impact these connections have had on your life.
The Gratitude Message
After reflecting, write a short message of gratitude for each of the three people. Be specific about what you appreciate, highlighting how they contribute to your happiness and growth. For example:“I’m so grateful for the way you always make space for deep conversations. Your thoughtful approach to love and communication has helped me feel safe and supported, especially during challenging times.”
“I love how much fun we have when we’re all together, and I really appreciate how you’ve welcomed me into your world with kindness and openness.”
Gratitude Sharing
If you feel comfortable, share your gratitude messages with these people. You can send them via text, email, or even express them in person. The act of sharing your appreciation helps deepen the connection and reinforces the positive energy you’ve cultivated.The Gratitude Loop (Ongoing Practice)
After sharing your messages, take note of how expressing gratitude feels for you. Pay attention to how the recipients respond and how it affects your connection. As an ongoing practice, set aside time regularly to repeat this exercise, either for the same people or for others in your polycule or broader community.Gratitude Reflection
After completing this exercise, spend a few minutes reflecting on the process. How did it feel to focus on gratitude rather than potential insecurities or challenges? How has this practice shifted your perspective on your relationships?Expand the Circle (Optional):
After a week or two, expand the gratitude practice by reaching out to metamours or others in your broader non-monogamous network. Even if you don’t have a direct romantic connection with them, expressing appreciation for their role in your partner’s life (and therefore yours) can deepen your sense of interconnectedness.
If you’re struggling with jealousy and insecurity and want personalized support to help you move towards more gratitude and positive experiences with consensual non-monogamy, I offer somatic relationship coaching for individuals, couples, triads and polycules.
Together, we’ll identify areas of personal growth work and provide accountability to help you and/or your partner(s) develop your ability to relate in more authentic ways that align with your goals for exploration, love, pleasure and connection.